Welcome Home Hessy Day

I would like to officially extend my congratulations to myself on getting my car back.

For those of you who don't know, Hessy Honda spent three weeks in the Highland Park impound lot after an overzealous, bored, and under-his-monthly-quota Highland Park cop pulled me over for expired California registration. I was quite polite to him (until I wasn't anymore), but he decided to give me a ticket and tow my car to the impound lot (he also called for backup because I was being mean to him).

This was on a Saturday, so initially I was angry because I wouldn't be able to get my car back until the DMV opened on Monday. This was because I needed to renew my registration to get my car back, and I couldn't renew it online in California because it needed a smog check.

So I got to the DMV the following Monday and after waiting in various lines and giving various people various forms of identification, a lady told me that I couldn't get my NJ registration until I got an NJ license and I couldn't get an NJ license until I got a clearance letter from Connecticut.

Yes, the speeding ticket I got in Connecticut three years ago and was waiting to pay until at least three years passed to avoid getting points on my insurance officially came back to bite me in the ass.

Now.

Me: How do I get a clearance letter from Connecticut?
Lady: Call Connecticut.
Me: What's the number for Connecticut?
Lady: It's on the slip of paper I handed you.
Me: *looks down at slip of paper* The only thing on this paper is my name.
Lady: So find the number yourself.
Me: How do I do that? Can't you just tell me the number?
Lady: 4-1-1
Me: *possibly not in the most polite tone* I'm supposed to call 4-1-1 and ask for the number for Connecticut?
Lady: Yes.

So I went home and looked up the number for the Connecticut DMV, which put me on hold for half an hour before transferring me to the clearance letter department, which put me on hold for half an hour before a woman picked up. She told me to call the courthouse that dealt with my ticket, that they would forward my info along the the DMV and that the DMV would send me a clearance letter. Is there any way to expedite the process? I asked. No.

So I called the courthouse, and the lady there told me I owed them about $350 to reopen my case and to pay my ticket. I took out my credit card.
Lady: We don't take credit card payments. You need to send a money order.
Me: What about debit cards? Can you approve that over the phone?
Lady: No.
Me: Checking account and routing number?
Lady: No.
Me: OK, so I'll send my payment and then you'll forward along the info to the DMV?
Lady: No.
Me: So how do I get the clearance letter?
Lady: You need to send the receipt we send you to the DMV. Along with a special clearance letter request form. And $125.
Me: Oh. Is there any way to expedite this?
Lady: No.

So I did everything as instructed, using priority mail in all instances and convincing myself that that was almost as good as expediting it, and the clearance letter finally came Friday. I spent Monday at the DMV, the car rental place (I've been driving a PT Cruiser), the impound lot, the inspection station and the cars of two different co-workers who were nice enough to give me rides where necessary.

In the end, after the car rental ($1,600), the impound fees ($565, in cash), car repairs and inspection certificate ($1,100), Connecticut ticket fees and clearance letter, and New Jersey registration, title and license fees, I'm about $3,000 in the whole.

But at least I'm no longer driving a PT Cruiser.

And if anyone wants to give me a million dollars for my upcoming birthday... well, e-mail me and I'll tell you where to send the check.

Becky's first (right?) published reviews

So Becky reviewed her first two plays for offoffonline.com at the Fringe Festival over the weekend. For those of you who know as little about this as I do, said Web site is "Your comprehensive resource for New York City off-off-Broadway theatre listings and reviews" -- at least, according to said Web site. In any case, she's pretty good at this writing thing...
Death and Dreams review
http://www.offoffonline.com/reviews.php?id=1104
Greek Tragedy as Performance Art review
http://www.offoffonline.com/reviews.php?id=1107

Only because I've been a lazy-ass blogger lately...

If you're still checking this thing with the hope that I'll get off my lazy ass and start updating it again (with something more than a minimally funny Denis Leary quote), I'll humor you. Or more specifically, direct you to a place where you can be bored to tears by a story that took up all my time last week. I think it's an important story, but I didn't exactly do a good job of keeping it entertaining...

Ex-convicts face uphill battle for jobs
and the even-less-interesting-to-read sidebar (which I'm just realizing has a mistake... maybe you'll read it and play the find-the-mistake game. I hear it's quite fun.)

Also, in during my stretch of laziness-related lack of blogging, I never officially and publicly congratulated Brian on his engagement. So here it is. I would like to publicly extend my congratulations to Brian on his recent engagement to Amy. Here's to a wedding with an open bar. *clinks champagne glasses*

Done and done.

OK. That's all I've got for you. Maybe I'll post more next week. Or maybe not. I'm quite boring, it seems.

Quote of the day

"You have to be nice to your Jewish friends because they might be your prostate doctor someday." -Denis Leary on the Daily Show yesterday

Why does this brain stem say "No. 2" on it?

Remember that episode of the Simpsons in which doctors discover that Homer has had a crayon embedded inside his brain since he lodged it there while sticking a box of crayons up his nose as a child? Yeah... not exactly the same thing, but...

Woman has pencil removed from head

Women out-earning men

A study by a Queens College demographer found that twenty-something women in some big cities are making more money than twenty-something men. The report shows that women of all educational levels ages 21 to 30 living in New York City and working full time made 117 percent of men’s wages. In Dallas that figure is 120 percent. Women in their 20s are making more than men in Boston, Los Angeles, Chicago and Minneapolis, too.

Experts in the New York Times story (linked above) speculate that since more women are graduating from college than ever before, they're moving to big cities rather than staying in smaller towns, and thus drive up the number of female college grads in the bigger cities, thus driving up the salaries.

Nationally, women still lag, with women in their 20s making a median income of $25,467, compared with $28,523 for men.

They also lag in older age brackets.

I think the salaries will even out and eventually drop below men's averages as the women reach their 30s and 40s and start families, because other studies have shown that most women prefer to either not work at all or work part-time in the early years of their kids lives. So I don't see this as a giant trend in women's progress in this country. But it's still kind of interesting... read the story for more.

I'm sticking with the idiots on this one...

A ballot question in New Jersey's November election will ask voters if they want to reword the part of the state Constitution that says an "idiot or insane person'' cannot vote, and replace it with a "person who has been adjudicated by a court of competent jurisdiction to lack the capacity to understand the act of voting.''

Reminds me of the Chinglish rules and regulations posted alongside the Mandarin rules inside taxis in Shanghai, mandating that "psychos", "psychopaths", or "schizophrenics" may not ride taxis without supervision. (Actually, each taxi used only one of the three options... I spent my time there looking for one that said "crazypants" or something equally amusing)

The joys of Highland Park

So with everything else I've had going on over the last couple of months, I let the California registration lapse on my car. Interestingly enough, I actually had every intention of obtaining a Jersey registration -- and driver's license -- on Monday.

Of course, Highland Park cops sometimes get bored of sticking their thumbs up their asses and one of them had another idea.

I was on my way to my assignment this morning when I got pulled over about a quarter mile from the bridge to New Brunswick. I actually wasn't speeding for once.

The cop took his sweet time before asking for my license, registration, proof of insurance -- your standard crap. He asked if I knew my registration was expired. I was very polite, apologized profusely and reassured him that I would renew it on Monday. He asked where I was going. I told him I was on my way to an assignment in New Brunswick. He said I'm not allowed to drive a car with an expired registration. I reassured him againt hat I had every intention of renewing it on Monday. He said he couldn't let me drive without the registration. I told him the truth about why I'd been so busy for the last two months and didn't get the registration renewed. He either didn't believe me or didn't give a shit. He reminded me it's illegal to drive with an expired registration.

I promised I would get it renewed first thing Monday. He said that was too late. I said there were no other options.

Apparently, there were.

Despite my stomach-curdling politeness through the whole ordeal, Douchebag Cop had my car towed to an impound lot. The impound lot, of course, is closed Sundays, which means they can charge me up the ass when I go to pick it up on Monday.

Douchebag Cop also, incidentally, called Douchebag Sergeant somewhere along the line for backup, because he felt I was being disagreeable. Well. No. Shit.

And this little piggy went ALLLLLL the way to the state Supreme Court

An oral surgeon in Washington state was just awarded $750,000 from his insurance company by the state's highest court after the insurance company refused to cover a lawsuit filed against him when he implanted temporary tusks in the mouth of his assistant whose family raises potbellied pigs. Here's the back-story:

The oral surgeon, Dr. Robert Woo, implanted two tusks in his assistant's mouth while she was under anesthesia to replace two of her teeth with implants. He snapped photos of her with the tusks -- some with her eyes propped open -- and then removed the tusks and finished the procedure normally. When she woke up, everything was normal, but eventually the photos made their way around the office and back to her. She quit. And sued.

The insurance company refused to cover the lawsuit, saying that practical jokes aren't covered by his plan. Dr. Woo settled out of court and paid the woman $250,000.

Then he sued the insurance company.

A county superior court jury ordered the insurance company to pay Woo $750,000 plus the out-of-court settlement.

The insurance company appealed. The state Court of Appeals sided with the insurance company, agreeing that the prank had nothing to do with Woo's dentistry.

Woo appealed. And on Thursday, the state Supreme Court ruled in favor of Woo. In a 5-4 decision, the court ruled that that "Woo's practical joke was an integral, if odd, part of the assistant's dental surgery and 'conceivably'' should trigger the professional liability coverage of his policy," according to the AP.

The death cat

A cat living in a Providence hospice can apparently predict death.

From the AP: The 2-year-old feline was adopted as a kitten and grew up in a third-floor dementia unit at the Steere House Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. The facility treats people with Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and other illnesses.

After about six months, the staff noticed Oscar would make his own rounds, just like the doctors and nurses. He'd sniff and observe patients, then sit beside people who would wind up dying in a few hours. Full story here.

Shea cats

Shea Stadium houses a feral cat colony with 20 to 40 cats, according to a cat rescue group founder quoted in the New York Times. Here's the story.

Photo from the AP via the New York Times.

Bust out your balls and find a blower

For the record, the machine that tumbles bingo balls around is called a blower. And I really wanted my lead for this story to be, "The balls are back in the blowers and bingo is back in Edison." Unfortunately, I don't write for the New York Post.

Edison seniors again yell "Bingo"

Because everyone loves a naked old guy

An old man strolling down the street in nothing but sandals and a fanny pack spurred an emergency ordinance banning nudity in certain public places in Brattleboro, Vermont.

The Brattleboro Selectboard voted 3-2 Tuesday night to pass an ordinance "prohibiting people from going about in the nude," according to Reuters. Anyone caught violating the ordinance faces a $100 fine.

The ordinance applies only to certain main corridors, and doesn't include breastfeeding mothers.

"I'm not looking for a townwide ban in every nook and cranny," one Selectboard member was quoted as saying in the Brattleboro Reformer. "We thought we would start in a smaller region. This is the primary area of concern."

The genesis of the naked trend came during a hot spell last summer, when "a couple of dozen teens took to holding hula hoop contests, riding bikes and parading past stores wearing only their birthday suits," according to Reuters. Town officials assumed the nudity would dwindle with the temperatures, but it returned with a vengeance this summer. Officials decided to take emergency action after a senior citizen from Arizona visited Brattleboro specifically to stroll naked through Gallery Walk, the town's monthly art exhibit along Main Street.

At Tuesday's Selectboard meeting, one woman spoke against to the ordinance. Her son had been arrested for lewd and lasciviious behavior when he was caught dancing naked in a puddle: "He is a kind-hearted young man," she was quoted as saying in the Brattleboro Reformer. "He just wanted to express himself as a human being."

Brattleboro Reformer story here. Reuters story here.

All the polite people...

I'm wearing a new shirt today, and I just realized that I've been walking around all day with an "XS" sticker smack in the middle of my left boob.

That is all.

Rupert Murdoch and full disclosure...

Those of you who read Jack Shafer have probably already seen this, but just in case...

In his take on how the Wall Street Journal would respond if News Corp. got control, he talks about the already-unusually-long disclosures the Journal runs in any story that mentions an organization associated with Dow Jones. According the the WSJ stylebook, the writers have to explain the extent of any such business relationship. So then, what would happen if News Corp., which owns half the world, also acquired Dow Jones? What disclosure would have to be tacked on to the end of every story?

Shafer writes:

News Corp. publishes the Wall Street Journal and its international and
online editions, Barron's, the Far Eastern Economic Review, MarketWatch, Dow
Jones Indexes, and the Ottaway group of community newspapers. News Corp. owns
Factiva and co-owns SmartMoney with Hearst Corp. News Corp. owns 20th Century
Fox, Fox Searchlight, Fox Broadcasting Company, MyNetworkTV, Fox Sports
Australia, television stations of the Fox Broadcasting Group, as well as
stations in Eastern Europe and other cable channels around the world. News Corp.
owns or has large holdings in the satellite broadcasters DirecTV, STAR, BSkyB,
Foxtel, and Sky Italia. News Corp. owns or has large holdings in a dozen cable
channels, including Fox News Channel, FX, Speed, Fox Reality, Fox Sports Net,
Fox Movie Channel, Fuel TV, and the National Geographic Channel. News Corp. owns
two dozen newspapers around the world. News Corp. owns or has large holdings in
the Weekly Standard, Gemstar-TV Guide International, and many magazines. News
Corp. owns MySpace, FoxSports.com, and many other Web sites. News Corp. owns
HarperCollins Publishers, Zondervan books, MySpace Records, and News Outdoor
Group (billboards). News Corp. has a large holding in the National Rugby League.
News Corp. also owns businesses too obscure to describe here, such as
Broadsystem ("Closer contact. Great insight."), Milkround, and NDS.

Why can't *my* sources be this concise?

Jeremy Roenick announced his retirement by texting a Philadelphia Inquirer reporter, "I'm retiring; is that still news?"

Roenick, a center, was most recently with Phoenix; before that he spent three seasons with the Flyers, and has also played on the Blackhawks and Kings. If you're interested, the full story's here.

Now, I know most of you pnineple don't follow hockey at all -- I clearly don't either... Roenick announced his retirement 10 days ago. But I still think every other source should take this as a lesson that texting is much better than calling a reporter and yapping for an hour about various aspects of life.

That is all.

In case you were wondering if I could get any cooler...

Gizmo's "Catster" page: http://www.catster.com/cats/581780
A.M.P.M.S.'s "Catster" page: http://www.catster.com/cats/581793

At the time of this post, they have 16 friends each, but I'm hoping their many pending requests will be accepted, as they're much more creative than other cats "I think we'd make purrrrr-fect friends!" messages.

Oh, and in case you're wondering... You're right -- Giz *doesn't* write that well. A.M. wrote his profile so potential friends wouldn't think he was a tard-cat.

Signs of the Times (and more)

From an AP story on how many newspaper editorial pages have taken the leap from just criticizing the war to calling for an immediate pullout:

On the Times Web site Monday, Sunday's editorial was only the fifth
most e-mailed article, topped by an article about hip librarians and one on wine
tastings. By Tuesday afternoon, it was knocked out of the Top Ten; two of the
Times' 10 most e-mailed articles were about fictional wizard Harry Potter.

And speaking of Iraq, Everyone's Friend Cindy Sheehan has announced that she plans to run as an independent against Nancy Pelosi in 2008 if Pelosi doesn't move to impeach the president. This comes less than two months after Sheehan announced she was ending her role in the antiwar movement and cutting ties with the Democratic Party.

Now. I'm sorry her son died, but why don't these people realize there are effective ways to accomplish things, and then there's flat-out stupidity... Why do they always choose the stupidity?

In completely unrelated news, Merriam-Webster will add "ginormous" to its latest collegiate dictionary, coming out this fall. There are people who are *very* angry about this decision: More pilfering from the AP:

One of those naysayers is Allan Metcalf, a professor of English at
MacMurray College in Jacksonville, Ill., and the executive secretary of the
American Dialect Society./p ""A new word that stands out and is
ostentatious is going to sink like a lead balloon,'' he said. ""It might enjoy a
fringe existence.''

I mean, seriously. Those dudes at Merriam-Webster are being ginormous douchebags. Someone oughta put the smackdown (also being added in 2007) on them.

Remember "Operation," where you had to use those electrified tweezers to pull the bucket out of the knee?

As I'm sure most of you don't know, I've been having a lot of trouble with my left knee for almost two weeks now. I'm pretty sure I sustained some sort of injury, but I have no memory of anything happening.

So when I woke up one morning with my knee swollen to twice its normal size and lots of hurtiness, I figured I'd give it some time to get better on its own. When it didn't, I went to an urgent care facility on July 4. The "doctor" there told me I had "inflammation of the knee." Then he proceeded to try to prove to me that I had inflammation of the knee. He held my hand against my inflamed knee and said, "See? You can feel how it's inflamed, right? That means you have inflammation of the knee." I asked him what this meant. He told me it meant my knee was swollen. I rephrased and asked him what was causing the inflammation. He told me it was a big mystery, gave me an anti-inflammatory and sent me on my way.

Five days of anti-inflammatories later, nothing was getting any better. So I went to my regular doctor today, who told me the urgent care guy was full of shit.

Apparently, I'm full of something else.

My regular doctor sent me to an orthopedist, who stuck a giant needle in the side of my knee and drained out 60cc of pee-looking fluid.

So the urgent care doctor may be full of poop, but me -- I'm full of piddle.

Tiger-petting, here I come!

I have officially booked a trip to Thailand for Sept. 12 through 24.

There's gonna be, like, so much tiger-petting, it'll be craaaaazy. Oh, and I'm open to any suggestions for non-tiger-related activities as well.

Huzzah!

I shit you not.

A 6-year-old Minneapolis girl had part of her small intestine sucked out of her asshole by the suction in a wading pool drain.

The girl was sitting on the drain of the wading pool when the drain's suction caused a 2-inch tear in her rectum and "pulled out much of her small intestine," according to the Associated Press.

She'll spend the rest of her life being fed through a port, which will be implanted tomorrow.

Full story here.

Sorry, grandmas

I know I could have done so much more with this, but you people will still appreciate the premise:
Edison seniors want bingo back

Freefalling

John McCain is expected to cut as many as 80 to 100 campaign staffers in the aftermath of an abysmal second-quarter fundraising effort, according to the Associated Press.

McCain raised just $11.2 million in the past three months, and has just $2 million cash on hand. Other candidates haven't released their numbers yet, but McCain will be eons behind Mitt Romney and Rudolph Giuliani. And in terms of polls, he's already trailing Fred Thompson in some of them -- and Thompson hasn't even made his candidacy official.

So none of this is a surprise given the low approval ratings for the war and the obvious backlash that goes along with the immigration bill, but it does beg the question -- With the flip-flopping Mormon from Massachusetts and the pro-abortion, anti-free-speech New Yorker having no real shot at the GOP nomination, will the Republican presidential candidate come from Law and Order?

There may be a real chance...

Where are your pants?

The Baltimore Police Department has run out of pants.

Officials have placed an emergency order for the department's most popular sizes, 36 and 38, and are waiting on the shipment. New officers receive four pairs of the standard-issue navy pants each upon being hired and other officers may trade in their old pants for new ones at any time.

"We are officially out,'' Officer Troy Harris, a police spokesman, told the Associated Press. "We're putting in an emergency order for those two sizes.''

Until the emergency order goes through, each new officer who is a size 36 or 38 will have no pants. Having recently hired 240 new police officers, well, that's a lot of pantsless police.

Why I'm in love with Linda Greenhouse...

In her Supreme Court Memo in yesterday's Times, she was talking about how often the Roberts court might overturn precedents, and she referred back to Arlen Specter's line of questioning in Roberts' confirmation hearings. Specter had asked Roberts if he agreed that Roe v. Wade was more than just a precedent, but a "super-duper precedent," because it had been revisited and reaffirmed in 1992. Then:

The nominee obviously knew exactly what Mr. Specter was driving at, but he gave
away nothing. He acknowledged the historical accuracy of the senator’s
chronology, but would not follow him to the land of “super-duper” precedents.

And this is why I'm in love with Linda Greenhouse.

(Incidentally, the lede was pretty awesome too: No Supreme Court nominee could be confirmed these days without paying homage to the judicial doctrine of “stare decisis,” Latin for “to stand by things decided.” Yet experienced listeners have learned to take these professions of devotion to precedent “cum grano salis,” Latin for “with a grain of salt.”)

Full story here.

I'm sorry, you're just not good enough for our poop.

I just essentially got rejected for a volunteer gig called "Kitten cage cleaner" with a cat rescue group.

Step aside, Tony Snow

I was just on the phone with the spokesman for, let's say XYZ Co. I was trying to find out some information about a project that began about a year ago but is making its way into a town in our coverage area next week. My conversation went something like this:

I asked a general question about the project. He said XYZ Co. had a press conference a year and a half ago and if I wanted this information I should have come to the press conference. I said that I wasn't here a year and a half ago, and it would have thus been very unlikely for me to attend his press conference.

He said someone at our newspaper should have attended it. I said I understood his concerns but this story has been assigned to me and I can't find any information in our archives about this project. Could he please just give me some information?

He said he had a plane to catch soon.

I asked if there was someone else who might be able to provide some information, or if I could find it online. He said he was the only one who was allowed to provide information.

Then he proceeded to lecture me about how there's no point in holding press conferences if we're just going to call him and ask him questions. I eventually stopped him and said maybe instead of spending his obviously valuable time arguing with me he could answer one or two of my questions. This didn't sound like fun to him. He answered everything with, "I don't have that information at my fingertips."

Eventually, something I said must have registered. As I was writing this post he called back with the information.

But seriously... I've never had this much trouble getting standard information about something not police-related.

I really think Tony Snow has met his match.

Maybe if I were lumpier...

While I was picking up prescriptions at Rite Aid yesterday I saw a woman carefully looking through all the options in the condom aisle. Picking up each box, comparing written descriptions, turning the boxes over in her hand to inspect every side. Considering colors, flavors, textures -- everything.

She was in her mid-forties or early fifties, was very lumpy and had short, frizzy, awkwardly-dyed-reddish-brown hair. She was wearing black tapered sweatpants that were somehow tight from ass all the way down to ankle (maybe *she* was also tapered) and the lumps of cellulite seemed to be trying mightily to come out for air. She was also wearing a bright red T-shirt.

Last month, I think, I would have been happy for her.

But all I could think was -- seriously? *She's* getting sex and I'm not?

Yeah...

Zippity doo da

There's nothing like writing a story about euthanizing kittens to make a shitty day That Much Worse.

I see London, I see France...

Anyone caught "sagging" their pants in Delcambre, Lousiana, is likely to face a $500 fine and/or six months in jail.

The town council there passed an ordinance that will go into effect once the mayor signs it (and she has confirmed that she plans to sign it). The ordinance reads:

“It shall be unlawful for any person in any public place or in view of the
public to be found in a state of nudity, or partial nudity, or in dress not
becoming to his or her sex, or in any indecent exposure of his or her person or
undergarments, or be guilty of any indecent or lewd behavior.”

Essentially, the ordinance is saying that showing body parts in public shall be illegal, and the underpants count as a body part.

In addition to the possibility of being arrested by an officer who gets a peek at your peeper, you can also be arrested if a resident files a complaint against you and signs a sworn affadavit confirming that he/she witnessed the offense.

So. Much. Fun.

And if you're interested in the full story, here it is at the Daily Iberian, apparently the town's "official journal."
http://iberianet.com/articles/2007/06/13/news/news/news56.txt

"The Gamete Games"

In trying to find a new angle on Father's Day, the New York Times decided to do a story on sperm. How they're produced, what they look like, how they work. Just a straight-up, detailed account of the inner workings of the male reproductive system.

It starts like this:

We are fast approaching Father’s Day, the festive occasion on which we plague
Dad with yet another necktie or collect phone call and just generally strive to
remind the big guy of the central verity of paternity — that it’s a lot more fun
to become a father than to be one. “I won’t lie to you,” said the great Homer
Simpson. “Fatherhood isn’t easy like motherhood.” Yet in our insistence that men
are more than elaborately engineered gamete vectors, we neglect the marvels of
their elaborately engineered gametes. As the scientists who study male germ
cells will readily attest, sperm are some of the most extraordinary cells of the
body, a triumph of efficient packaging, sleek design and superspecialization.
Human sperm are extremely compact, and they’ve been stripped of a normal cell’s
protein-making machinery; but when cast into the forbidding environment of the
female reproductive tract, they will learn on the job and change their search
strategies and swim strokes as needed.

Sperm are also fast and as cute as tadpoles. They have chubby teardrop heads and stylish, tapering tails, and they glide, slither, bumble and do figure-eights. So while a father may not be entitled to take the same pride in his sperm as he does in his kids, it’s fair to celebrate the single-minded cellular commas that helped give those children their start.

And then proceeds to turn into a science textbook. Not judging the writer here... I would have no idea how to write an article about sperm with no news hook beyond Father's Day. But... well... sperm.

The missing toilet paper was being hidden by Butts the whole time!

A woman whose last name is Butts faces up to three years in prison for stealing toilet paper from an Iowa courthouse.

Suzanne Marie Butts, 38, was caught taking three rolls of two-ply toilet paper from the storage closet at the courthouse. The discovery came after workers had noticed the toilet paper was disappearing more quickly than usual.

Butts, who is not a courthouse employee, acknowledged taking the three rolls but insisted it was her first time.

The fifth-degree theft charge, a misdemeanor, normally carries a sentence of less than a year in jail. But Butts could face more time if convicted under the state's habitual offender law because she has prior theft convictions, according to the Associated Press.

Because transforming the Democratic Party is like a baseball game

So I was Googling myself and saw that someone blogged about a story I wrote about the Edison primary, which has been running the last two months of my life. The only part of the blog entry that showed up in the Google summary was "In the middle of Erica Harbatkin's coverage of the Edison election results..." and I was intrigued to find out what that was. Turns out:

The entry, from a blog called "Laughing at the Pieces :

Choi at the Bat

I’m sure they’ll fix this on the main site, so I’m pasting a bit of it here for posterity. In the middle of Erica Harbatkin's coverage of the Edison election results in the Home News Tribune (mayor Jun Choi’s handpicked slate of newcomers won), something strange happens. Take a look:

EDISON — Mayor Jun Choi's slate of candidates won the Democratic council primary on Tuesday, giving the mayor control of the township's divided Democratic party.

Choi's Edison Democratic Party slate, which was full of political newcomers handpicked by the mayor, beat out the incumbents on the council and a third ticket headed by former Councilman Bill Stephens for the Democratic Party line in the November General Election.

The winning slate is composed of Washington Elementary School Principal AnnMarie Griffin-Ussak; former Edison boys baseball coach Wayne Mascola; Edison Township Education Foundation founder and President Melissa Perilstein; and Sudhanshu Prasad, an internal-medicine specialist and former chairman of JFK Medical Center's Department of Medicine.

Official numbers were not available Tuesday night because District 26 had a zero tally sheet, but results without those numbers had Griffin-Ussak with 3,607 votes, Perilstein with 3,486, Prasad with 3,500 and Mascola with 3,389.

"We started this movement two years ago and onto the diamond for the top of the sixth. But Randolph, which was down to its final strike in the sectional semifinal on May 29 and came-from-behind to win the sectional final, turned four hits, including a triple and two doubles, two walks and an Edison error into six runs.

HUH?

I follow American politics, so I’m no stranger to the labored sports metaphor. But it’s usually not this long. Sure, there’s a baseball coach among the winners, but Jack Kemp didn’t talk about football this much.

Let’s continue, shall we?

Senior catcher Rob Kral, who homered four times in Friday's sectional final, hit a grand slam in the top of the seventh for Randolph (23-7) to conclude the scoring. Winning pitcher Steve Zavala (13-1) homered in the first at bat of the game and went 3-for-4 with four runs and three RBIs to help fuel the Morris County school's 14-hit attack…

And it goes on for three more paragraphs, before resuming the election coverage.

Um… go Eagles? And congratulations, councilmen-elect?

I’d prefer a few more checks and balances in my soup, but I have hope that Mayor Choi and his handpicked team of councilmen govern responsibly, and don’t run on a pop fly unless there are already two outs.

Rob

Yup. That's my paper.

The Prez

(the man, not the cat)

I covered an event with President Bush in Edison yesterday, and was officially a member of the White House press pool... for a grand total of about three hours.

For two of those hours, I was roped inside the little press area, where we weren't allowed to move from while we awaited the president's arrival. I read a book. I spent about half an hour making my way around after the speech talking to people who paid $300 to $5,000 to see the president speak. And exactly 27 minutes of that time was spent watching the president speak, trying to see over the Very Tall People who paid $300 to $5,000 to be there.

When I arrived at the Expo Center, I received the following credential, on which the man wrote down the wrong name, crossed it out and then made an attempt at writing my actual name. So it looked kinda like I found a press pass and colored it in myself.



Yup. I'm that important.

Oh, and I wrote this crappy story while I was there.

And they say camels rarely get dehydrated...

I visited Nicole in Rhode Island last weekend, and we went to the Roger Williams Zoo. This is what we saw:

We were looking at a couple of camels, who were standing there being camels, when I determined that the camel on the right looked a little like one of my ex-boyfriends. Just as I vocalized that observation, the camel on the left started to pee. Well the stream came for a long time, and eventually Ex-boyfriend Camel saunteredto the back end of his friend and started licking the pee out of the air.

Nicole and I stared in awe for some time before we started laughing. Then it was over. Ex-boyfriend Camel walked back to the other side of his friend and stood where he'd been before. But Friend Camel's pee continued to flow, and Ex-boyfriend Camel decided to go back for more. So he returned to the back end of Friend Camel and licked some more pee from the falling stream.

Then Ex-boyfriend Camel took a few steps backwards and tilted his head all the way up, so his face was in the air and he appeared to be gargling the urine.

Now Nicole and I were more entertained than ever, and as we laughed I heard the words, "Ya like that?" from someone standing to my left. I looked over, and there stood a little man with eyeliner who apparently wanted me to lick his pee. I grabbed Nicole and said it was time to go.

And that was our day at the zoo.

Oh, and llamas poop in a neat trajectory, allowing them to stand upright and excrete without getting any poo on themselves.

Because being questioned by Congress is like a flower on a warm, wonderful summer day

Monica Goodling's Web site from college (click around... it's good stuff)
http://web.archive.org/web/19991008153443/home.regent.edu/monigoo/

Some of my favorite snippets:
Send me an e-mail if you want... I love to get mail.
And smile, the world can be a good place or a bad place, depending on which way you look at it. But it's a lot better when you're smiling.

Cassiopeia, my darling puppy, is only happy when she is chewing on someone's shoes. She's not picky, one doesn't even have to take off his or her shoe!

Friends are those things which make a day pass from mere existence to life itself. Their laughter, smiles, and love make all the difference.

Thanks for visiting, and have a wonderful, wonderful day.

Frisky young Jews...

I was running around my neighborhood this evening, a neighborhood filled with Orthodox Jews and some Orthodox Jews. It's the first place I've lived where I've actually felt comfortable running in after dark (although today it was still light out). Anyway I usually wear baggy running shorts, but tonight I was wearing a cotton tank top and spandex shorts. Three different little boys tried to talk to me.

It wasn't like the icky cat calls I've gotten in the past, but very polite greetings. In all cases, their ages couldn't have been into the double-digits.

The first was a little boy on a bike saying hi. The second a boy playing with his friends, who stopped what he was doing and very nicely said, "Nice shorts." The third, a boy running around with his friends who ran toward me for a few seconds and kept saying, "hey."

It was all very strange.

In other news, I've decided to go to Thailand this summer. Hooray tigers!

Lord of the Flies, anyone?

CBS unveiled its fall lineup today, featuring a new reality show called "Kid Nation," in which 40 kids (ages 8 to 15) live for 40 days in a New Mexico ghost town. They'll try to set up their own 19th-century society (complete with outhouses, a saloon, etc.), creating businesses and government without adult supervision.

My question is what parents will sign their kids up for this? You'll have the Hollywood-wannabes who hope this catapults their kids to stardom... who else?

No one can be voted off, but CBS never said murder and heads on stakes weren't involved.

Alien balls

From a wizarduniverse.com interview with Futurama co-creator David X. Cohen on the upcoming new episodes:

Q: Are there any new characters being introduced in the new season that you’re excited about?
COHEN: Yes, particularly Nudar, the evil alien nudist. We’re not sure what the censorship issues are as far as showing unrecognizable alien reproductive organs. I guess we’ll just put it on the air and see what happens.

Fiver!

If you could just tell me the make and model of your maternal grandfather's first car...

So I understand the need for security questions, etc., but...

I called to activate a new credit card I received in the mail after the old one expired, and they apparently had my old phone number, so the automated system transferred me to a live person since I wasn't calling from my "home number." Fine.

So I talk to the first "live person," who punches a bunch of things in the computer and then says he can't help me and I need to talk to a new live person.

So he puts me on hold for a few minutes and then tells me I'm on the phone with "Inez," my new live person. Who proceeds to politely interrogate the hell out of me.

What's your name?
What's your mother's maiden name?
...... I'm OK with these, but she continues...

In what state was your social security number issued?
.... Fine....

You may have gone to a college a few years back. Do you know what college it was?

Ummm.... UNCW? I mean, UNC-Wilmington? Or do you have Emerson College down there? In fact, I may have registered at Santa Monica College one summer thinking I was going to take classes but then didn't. Is that the one you have?

Through this whole thing, Inez has apologizing for the inconvenience and saying, "One moment," very politely, over and over again. In response to this answer, she sighs, says "Nevermind" and proceeds with "One moment."

You say you used this 1959 Cloverfield as a "permanent address?" Can you tell me the name of one of your neighbors?

You want me to name one of my neighbors?

Well you did say you lived there a while.

Yeah, that doesn't mean I can name neighbors. I can name people in Santa Monica. Do you want me to start naming people in Santa Monica?

Why would I want you to name people in Santa Monica? I need you to name neighbors. You said you lived there a while. You should be able to name neighbors.

I don't talk to people. Certainly not neighbor people. I'm antisocial. My brother, Daniel, lives at that address. Can he count as a neighbor?

*Sighs* One moment. *clicketly clack of the keyboard* Do you know this "Daniel's" year of birth?

1980.

Somehow, that did it.

But seriously? I understand the need for security, but a social security number, mother's maiden name and question about the name of my first pet really should do the trick. And what else do they know about me and all of my "neighbors" in Santa Monica?

What were you doing when you were 14?

In Dallas, kids are getting hooked on a mixture of Tylenol P.M. and heroin called "cheese," according to an AP story. The AP reported that it's been linked to 19 teenager deaths in Dallas, and the average age of those arrested for possession is 14.

Seriously? At 14, I was watching Animaniacs and going to parties at my friends' swimming pools.

In other news, I'd like to congratulate Eric and Brian on their new kitten, Stache. Go to Eric's comment on my MySpace page for a picture. And know that he has promised more pictures as well.

So that's all I've got. My life is boring...

Cat piddle and dead mice

So I decided to try this remove-frizz-for-a-whole-month hair product which promised on the box to, that's right, remove frizz for a whole month. It didn't work. What it did do, however, was make my hair smell like a dirty litter box. Hooray!

In other news, this amused me (in a sorry-this-lady-died sort of way)
JANESVILLE, Wis. (AP) — A couple checking out a house for sale were shocked to discover the 55-year-old homeowner dead in her bed. Authorities said foul play was not suspected.

Real estate agent Linda Chabucos-Galow stood in the dining room while Justin and Colleen McKeen walked through a house Monday night. Before long, she heard Colleen McKeen scream.

"I thought, 'What's wrong?' Maybe it was a dead mouse or something,'' Chabucos-Galow said.

But then she peered into the bedroom and saw the body of Linda L. O'Leary.

...

Hillary Clinton speech

So in the process of neglecting my blog, I totally forgot to brag:
http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007704210409

Incidentally the bragging's *so* not about the crappily written story - just the getting to see Hillary Clinton part.

The quote I couldn't seem to work in there dealt with her hair and clothes, and how the media analyzes the hell out of everything she wears. But I'm not sure where my notebook is where I wrote down the quote, so this makes for quite a pointless story.

In other news, my hand has been all tingly for the last week or so. Any ideas on how to fix it?

Cat-petting morning

I started my day today as everyone should -- petting cats. Two municipalities are entering into a shared service agreement with their animal control services, cutting costs and therefore property taxes, etc., etc., etc., and I was able to use the opportunity to pet cats.

There was one awesome one, a white and brownish-grey stray that came in two days ago and I'm sure will get adopted very quickly. He/she (I dunno because you can't hold them until the eight days passes) rubbed up against the bars of its cage all sexy-like and even batted his/her little paw at me when I wasn't providing enough love.

Of course, for every good story...

Another cat there, a long-haired grey adult cat had been dropped off by her owners. Apparently they didn't want to take care of her anymore, for whatever reason. She was laying quietly up against the side wall, looking out the front of the cage. She was very skeptical of visitors, and I don't blame her, given that her family just deserted her. The shelter guy assured me that they'd find a home for her (and judging by the empty cages around the room, she's probably OK for now), but the fact that people don't take responsibility for their pets is sickening. Can you imagine just pawning a life off on a government service? Just walking away and figuring that that life isn't your responsibility anymore?

I just don't understand how a person can do that...

Google-maps me

This stolen from Nipole's MySpace bulletin:
Google-map directions from New York, New York to Paris, France.
Read through them... or at least to Line 23.

Not that Jersey isn't all it's cracked up to be, but...

People I know/knew all seem to be traveling and asking me for advice, and now I'm insanely jealous of all people I know/knew. Who wants to give me large sums of money and large amounts of time off from work? Anyone? You can come with me...

Tiger-petting

A kid I knew in high school went to Thailand, and visited a Buddhist temple where you can pet tigers. The monks at the Tiger Temple saved these tigers from poachers, and brought them up on this reserve at the temple.

During the day they let the tigers out, and people can walk right up to the tigers, with just a rope separating them. The monks and volunteers at the temple then let one visitor through the rope at a time to pet the tigers and take pictures.

There has been some controversy about why the tigers are so calm -- some people believe they must be drugged. But the monks maintain that they're calm because, a) they're nocturnal, and people see them during the day (before 6 p.m.) when they're at their calmest, and b) they've been raised by monks, and they trust people.

I pulled the photo off a travelhappy post. Now, who's coming with me to Thailand?

"Something fishy" has nothin on this lede

The lede from an AP story about New York City's revamped free condom distribution program:

NEW YORK (AP) — The city's new official condom is a "sensation,'' according to Mayor Michael Bloomberg's administration, which announced Wednesday that City Hall gave away a record 5 million in the first month of a distribution program.

The condoms involved in the revamped program have wrappers that say "NYC CONDOM" in the same font and bright colors used on city subway maps. The city distributed a record 5 million in the program's first month, about a 3.5-million increase over previous months.

That is all.

Perpetuating stereotypes

So I have this tendency to follow the car in front of me, regardless of who is driving that car or where he/she is going. Well I was in Carteret today waiting to get on the turnpike, and the truck in front of me merged into the right lane by slipping through the line of orange cones. I noticed a sign way up ahead that seemed to imply the Turnpike entrance was to the right, so, naturally, I followed the truck in front of me through the orange cones.

About 15 seconds later, I found myself in a muddy construction pit, and realized there were people directing traffic because of said muddy construction pit. Upon realizing there was no way out other than to turn around and try to cut in front of the stopped line of cars, I did that.

At which point the dude directing traffic got Very Angry.

Apparently there was an operational train track buried in the mud my car was sitting on, and the traffic guy started screaming at me. I opened my window to explain to him that I was clearly confused and ask where to go next.

All he did was scream over and over again, "What are you doing? Why would you do that? Get off the train tracks! You're sitting on the train tracks! Go park by the Volkswagen!"

So now that I finally had instructions, I looked for the Volkswagen I was supposed to pull up next to. This made him very unhappy as well.

"What are you waiting for?? Go park by the Volkswagen! Why are you sitting there? What are you doing?"

Now I was annoyed.

So, with my California plates, I inadvertently perpetuated every stereotype about Californians.

"DUDE!" I yelled out my window. "YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CHILL."

He shut up.

Dream

On Friday night I dreamed that I was on a road trip with a bunch of Mennonites and we went into a Sports Authority where the Tamil Tigers' child soldiers were working overtime.

And I was worried

I was sitting in the corner eating pasta salad with a coffee stirrer when the extent to which I didn't belong at the foster care event thing became comical yesterday.

It was the lunch break, and the other reporters there -- all of whom were based in the city and most of whom were big-name magazines, big-name TV stations or the Associated Press -- were all talking amongst themselves. They all knew each other, and I'd already gotten a what-the-hell-are-you-doing-here look from the Newsweek guy, so I'd given up on trying to join the conversation.

Then, to make everything that much more Fun, the only vegetarian option with lunch was pasta salad, and they'd forgotten forks. Hence, the coffee stirrer.

In other news:
Some Cincinnati pizza places are decorating their pizza boxes with photos of parents who are delinquent in child support payments.

My IQ is 24, just like your jersey number for the Knicks!

So I went to see Bill Bradley promote his new book, The New American Story, at the Princeton Barnes and Noble. He spoke for about 20 minutes, answered a formulaic question about the electoral college asked by your standard pretentious I-think-I'm-a-scholar man and then signed books.

I got to the front of the line for the book-signing and became your standard tard.

I believe I said something along the lines of, "Hello sir Mr. Bradley, Senator Bradley, er, former... Erica? E-R-I-C-A? With a C? Yes that's good. THANKS!"

In the midst of that jumble of nonsense, which I believe took me all of half a second to say, all he said was "With a K?"

Now what I'd meant to say was that I'd seen him speak about seven years ago at the YWCA in Santa Monica about Title IX, and that I really admired him.

Maybe he understood...

***

Anyway his talk was pretty interesting. He discussed the $1 gas tax concept (where it cancels itself out by going toward social security while social security is taxed less from your paycheck, combined with more stringent fuel-efficiency standards for cars.) He talked about combating gerrymandering with citizen committees to draw Congressional districts, and then having those districts either approved by a panel of judges or voted on by the general public. He also talked about funding campaigns with taxpayer money -- although I wasn't so sure about that one.

He discussed his theory on the social security crisis, saying it could be solved by raising the minimum age to receive benefits to 70 (phased in by one month every two years until 2099); making 2 percent of the 6.5-percent of social security tax apply to all income (right now social security only taxes income up to $94,200), bringing state and local government employees into the system (this would only apply to new employees and would be phased in over five years) and basing the cost-of-living increase on the chained consumer price index (I don't completely understand that part, but it's supposed to be more accurate than the straight-up cost-of-living index because it takes into considerations the substitutions people make based on price increases... but I'm sure Aviva will tell me if I'm completely wrong in my understanding of that one).

So that's my Bill Bradley experience.

Tomorrow's that foster care roundtable in New York... wish me luck...

Here's some fun...

The mayor of one of my towns filed a police report against one of her political rivals, prompting:
http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070328/NEWS0102/703280403/1001

Help poor people for almost nothing!

Nicholas Kristof's column today was about www.kiva.org, a Web site that allows you to make small loans to small business owners in poor countries. It's a pretty cool idea called microfinancing, started by the dude who won the Nobel Peace Prize last year. Muhammad Yunus' loans were for an average of $200 each, but you can donate even less through Kiva and still help people.

You can donate as little as $25, and your donation will be combined with other people's donations to fund the person's whole project. You can browse through all the different people seeking loans and learn a little about the person and their project. Most of them are women, but the loan-seekers run the gamete from single mothers trying to open their own business to married people trying to expand or repair their business to displaced persons.

I lent $25 to a woman in Samoa who sells prepared food to people who need it for children or elderly parents. She needs $850 to buy a taro plant, coconuts and some other products and supplies for her stall in the open-air market. At the time of this post, people had contributed $500.

I lent $25 to another woman in Samoa who's seeking $875 to expand her plantation. She needs to buy fertilizer and chemicals to increase her plantation's output so she can afford to sent her four kids to school.

I'm sure Kiva is slammed with new visitors after Kristof's column, but you can still make a difference here, so that might not suck. Especially if you keep making donations after the excitement dies down from the column.

Just passing along the idea...

So red means... stop?

I went hiking at the Delaware Water Gap on Sunday with my friend Becky (not you), and as we approached the hiking area, we hit a stoplight. This was a strange stoplight in that there was no cross traffic and no potential for cross traffic. So after waiting for about 30 seconds, Becky decided it was clearly an irrelevant stoplight and preceded through it.

We were winding through a narrow one-way road flanked by a mountain wall on our right and a cliff on our left. About a minute into the journey, we figured out what that stoplight was for.

A line of cars came flying toward us from the opposite direction. Becky managed to find a small shoulder to pull onto, and the other people who had obeyed the law by waiting for the stoplight on their side were just barely able to squeeze by us -- although we got glared at by five consecutive very annoyed drivers.

The dude driving the lead car opened his window and explained to us that the purpose of that light was to manage the traffic so that cars could only go in one direction at a time, since the road was too narrow to accommodate two-way traffic.

Sure enough, as we were leaving we noticed the sign right next to the light we ran: "Long three-minute light to control one-way traffic".

Good thing we're so observant, being reporters and all...

Sad...

With two No. 1 seeds and two No. 2 seeds in the Final Four, this tournament is losing its za-zing.

From the New York Times:

Last year at this time, of the 3.1 million entries in ESPN.com’s bracket pool, only four chose the correct Final Four teams. This year, 161,869 of 3.3 million entries have the Gators, the Buckeyes, the Bruins and the Hoyas still alive.

What fun is that?

Just wake me up when it's over

I'd like to use this opportunity to *scold* the local CBS station for its horrendous balance of coverage in yesterday's late games. CBS has always been good about switching to the more interesting game, but last night they apparently decided they were going to show Ohio State-Tennessee instead of UCLA-Pitt, NO MATTER WHAT.

What ended up happening was Ohio State-Tennessee absolutely sucked for the first 20 minutes, until Ohio State remembered it was the much better team and started playing just well enough to overcome a 20-point deficit and edge the Vols (who I was ultimately rooting for even though I'd picked Ohio State in my bracket). But for those first horrendous 20 minutes, why weren't we watching UCLA-Pitt?

And even more, when UCLA-Pitt was a two-possession game with just over a minute to go, why weren't we watching that??

And to take it even further, why did CBS switch over to UCLA-Pitt for *five seconds* when there was about a minute remaining, and then say, "Now back to the Ohio State-Tennessee game. We'll bring you back to this game when yours is over." Even though there were seven and a half minutes left in "our game" and just one minute left in the UCLA game? Was the one minute going to last longer than the seven and a half? Has that happened in the history of basketball, ever?

My theory is that the people in charge of the broadcast were paying no attention whatsoever to anything going on. My theory is that everyone but the intern was sleeping and it was the intern's job to wake them all up at the end of the game. My theory is that they also had no concept of geography, or the fact that Pittsburgh is way closer to the market area than either Ohio State or Tennessee.

I officially hate CBS.

Well, you could just bathe the kid in bleach

A Long Island couple is suing a fertility clinic after an in vitro fertilization yielded a child much darker than either parent. A doctor at the clinic recommended artificially inseminating the wife with the husband's sperm, which they did, but fast-forward nine months and the kid was jet black. So the parents did three different DNA tests, all of which found that the dad was not actually the dad.

The doctor's response?
The child will "get lighter over time."

I mean, it happened to Michael Jackson...

Getting jobs, losing jobs

Turns out, the story I wrote about the nursing home workers being asked to take pay cuts or leave got someone a new job. He called the other day to tell me about it. Hooray!

In other news, I got a *very* angry, *very* grammatically incorrect e-mail from a dude I quoted in my look-at-all-the-people-watching-the-NCAA-Tournament-in-the-bar story. I quoted him saying that he was taking a half-day from work without his boss knowing, and apparently his boss reads the paper.

Oops...

So I agreed to go to a "roundtable discussion" on foster care at Hunter College in New York, thinking it might be a good opportunity to meet some interesting people and get some story ideas, etc.

Today, I came in to work to find a FedEx express envelope from the people sponsoring the event. There was a folder inside with a letter thanking me for my *participation* in the panel, and noting that this event "is a listening exercise for us -- an opportunity to hear your open and honest feedback on how the media covers foster care." (the italics are actually there)

I then turned the page to find the following...
We will be joined by representatives from these media outlets:
It preceded to list the Associated Press, New York Times, Nightline, NPR, People, The Early Show, Newsweek, Ladies' Home Journal, Nickelodeon, and, that's right -- the Home News Tribune.

At that point my deskmate started singing, "Which one of these is not like the other one" over and over again.

And I'm already planning my out...

Lookit the little girls, trying to play a man's sport... cute, huh?

For whatever reason, I was watching the late local news on CBS. Sports came on, and they talked about the men's NCAA tournament and the NBA before going to commercial break. Then they came back from commercial and said, "Who says there's no local teams dancing?" (Aviva, etc.: "dancing" is the term they use for what you do in the NCAA tournament)

Then the local New Jersey station proceeded to give 1.5 seconds to the Rutgers women, one of the top teams in the nation. The extent of the coverage was something along the lines of, "Rutgers beat VCU in the first round today."

And that was it.

Now I understand that the women's tournament isn't as insanely popular as the men's tournament. But, seriously? We're in New Jersey, this is the only team this entire state has in the tournament, Rutgers recently beat UConn, a No. 1 seed, and people actually do give half a shit about the Rutgers women. So you bury it at the end of the newscast and devote less time to that than the news side gives to lookit-the-cute-doggy stories? Seriously????

Randomness

It was more than 70 degrees today ... on Friday it's supposed to snow ... tomorrow I get to write a story about a bunch of people watching the NCAA Tournament at a bar. This makes me much happier than all the lookit-the-people-watching-the-Rutgers-football-game-at-the-bar stories, as I actually want to watch the NCAA Tournament. I'm trying to figure out how long I can stretch the reporting end of the story before it starts to look like I was just sitting at the bar watching the games for my own benefit ... I'm officially addicted to the Sims 2, and I haven't even finished building my house yet. ... that's about it. ... back to the Sims 2.

The trick is to hurl the chair *before* you kick the player -- otherwise the player has somewhere to land when he falls

In honor of March Madness, Sportscenter's top 10 Bobby Knight sound bytes. No. 2 is pretty great.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ukj6Qi5W_k

Incidentally I'm aware this post alienates 50 percent of my readers, so, Aviva, Bobby Knight is the current Texas Tech / former Indiana basketball coach. And this 3 1/2-minute video is, like, totally worth your time.

Pure genius

The lede to my Saturday story this week was:
Something fishy was happening at the New Jersey Museum of Aquaculture on Saturday.

I just thought you should know.

Get a human

If you're one of those regulars and have an incredibly good memory and no life at all, you might recall that I once got myself transferred from a machine to a real person by screaming "Fuckers!" into the phone. In the time since then, I've found that solution apparently only works with the phone company in Modesto.

But I've learned there is another way.

It's called the gethuman 500 database, and it provides the strategy to bypassing automated systems for 500 different companies. Some are obvious (Press 0), but others are a bit more in-depth, like you're the member of a secret society and only you know the secret code to get in (Telecheck: Press 1, 3, * at prompts. Experian: Say "yes"; enter report #; enter social security #; say "yes"; say "agent" then "yes" to confirm at prompts thereafter. Suntrust: Press # rapidly and repeatedly. Sears delivery: Press 95111.)

So maybe it's not the next bugmenot, but it might make your day a little better, one day.

My Pissy Computer

When I try to go to a Web site that seems too difficult for my work computer to load, it makes a lot of noise and then simply closes every Internet Explorer window. It does this for whitepages.com, nj.com, and various other sites I try to visit. I think this has something to do with the circa-1995 levels of RAM and hard drive space. I also think my computer has his moods. That's right. I've determined it's male.

Random ranting

1) I hate when people say "backslash," when they really mean "forward slash." How did that start? Who told the general public that they should add the word "back" to "slash?"

2) Have you seen www.conservapedia.com? It takes directly from Wikipedia's open source and slants all its entries to the right, sometimes subtly but often to the point where you can't even see the middle anymore.

For example, the "abortion" entry has a picture of a well-developed fetus and includes subsections discussing "direct correlations" between abortion and breast cancer, abortion and miscarriages in later pregnancies, and general wrong-ness.

It's dependent on user entries, like Wikipedia, but threatens to block users who use BCE and CE instead of BC and AD, as well as users who use British spellings instead of American spellings.

The first subhead under the "Theory of evolution" entry reads: "Lack of Any Credible Transitional Forms," which goes on to say that there is no fossil evidence for evolution.

You get the idea...

3) Finally, if the mood strikes to donate your money to a good cause, check out www.scooterlibby.com, and give to his defense fund.

And don't worry about kittens dying or impoverished young people and immigrants. The money will be much better spent on Scooter's lawyers -- just don't try to take it off your taxes... it's not tax deductible, and keep in mind that you may face gift tax ramifications if you contribute too much.

It's already raised $4 million so far, according to a story in today's New York Times.

Kissinger

I saw Henry Kissinger speak at Columbia's graduate school of journalism today -- turns out Columbia gets better guest speakers than Emerson... go figure.

Didn't take notes or anything, so if the beginning of this post gave you the misconception that you were about to read an insightful few grafs about foreign policy... Well, sorry. I just wanted to brag.

Woo-hoo!

A woman from another local nursing home just e-mailed to find out how to get in touch with the workers who quit. She said they have openings and that they pay people based on experience, so they would get paid more than the nursing home I wrote about is offering.

This may be the first story I've written since I got here that may actually make a difference...

Remembering why I didn't ever post...

Turns out, I have absolutely nothing interesting to say. I have a cat in my lap, so that's cool. He's fuzzy and cute -- also cool. I went out drinking last night, got tired around 11 p.m. and went home, so that's definitely not cool. Tried to friend my first ever crush on MySpace the other day (who apparently became a professional Slamball player), but he ignored the request -- again not so cool. And now I'm watching 90210 on the Soap Network. Because I'm just that cool.

Well...

http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070303/NEWS/703030423/1001

This better be worth it...

I'm getting up at 6 a.m. tomorrow to go cover a labor dispute at a nursing home. The workers, who are getting fucked over by the home's new owners, have agreed to talk to me all at once before they start work in the morning. This story better pan out.

A resurrection

So now that I've completely alienated all my loyal readers by not posting for six months, I've decided to resume blogging. Possibly. Or possibly not. Or possibly, but a short-lived kind of "possibly." That said.

I know you've all been wondering, so to preempt the questions, A.M. and Gizmo are doing fine. Giz is currently sitting on my lap and apparently would like to type something, so I'll go ahead and turn this over to him now:
bgh csa
He's not so good at that. In fact the computer just made a lot of angry beeping sounds. Maybe Giz and the computer had a spat while I was at work.

To answer your next question, No, I haven't received any new pictures of Fiver. But you'll be the first to see them when they arrive (OK, the second to see them, because I have to see them first. And then if there's someone else in the room when they come they'll certainly have to see them immediately as well. So if I receive said pictures while at work, well, you'll probably just have to settle for being one of the first hundred to see them, but I digress).

And finally, me. I'm doing the same thing(s) I was doing before I stopped posting, with absolutely nothing new or exciting. Hence the lack of posts. Living in Edison, N.J., covering three towns for the local paper, writing a lot of horribly written articles, eating a lot of ice cream (sometimes with hot fudge, whipped cream, maraschino cherries and rainbow sprinkles that come out of a little clown head that says, "Mr. Sprinkles" on it), and generally just plugging along.

So that's it. The scoop, the skinny, and everything in-between. Now to see who's still checking this thing...

Oh, no, no -- I was talking to the ticket machine

Last night I was pulling into a parking structure I'd used once before, and I realized that last time I'd very adamantly flicked off the car behind me for no reason at all.

The first time I drove into that parking structure, I pushed the little button and just as the ticket came out of the slot and I was about to retrieve it, the car behind me honked. This made me very annoyed, and frankly, angry, so I flicked him off. Then I realized it was dark and he might not have seen my basic, inside-the-car finger, so I stuck my arm out the open window and flicked him off some more.

Last night when I drove into that parking structure, I pushed the little button and just as the ticket came out of the slot and I was about to retrieve it, the car behind me honked. Only there was no car behind me.

And that's when I realized the ticket machine makes a little honking sound as it dispenses the ticket.

And that's when I began to feel a little bit like a bitch.

Maybe *I'll* buy gooooooooogle

Do you realize that on top of buying everything else on the Web, Google also owns www.gogle.com, www.gogole.com and www.gooogle.com? Yup.

A tribute

As I noted before, Slate has had some of the best political stuff during the elections. Here's Slate's tribute to Rumsfeld, and if you don't want to click on the link, here are some of my favorite parts:

(The poetry of Donald Rumsfeld... taken directly from press conference transcripts)

Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the—
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it. It's—

And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it, But—
Some of you are probably too young to remember those—
Those glass boxes,
But—

But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.
—Dec. 6, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.
—May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

What's this 'competence' you speak of?

I was interviewing Linda Stender yesterday and we were talking about why she decided to run for Congress in the first place, and in the midst of a pretty standard rant about Bush, she said the following:

"The president has finally realized that he's got a problem on his hands, and that's long overdue. There's no accountability; there was no demand for -- competence."

I liked that. It didn't fit in the context of my story, but I liked it.

It seems to have happened...

But I'm still not completely convinced Bush, Rove, Rumsfeld, DeLay, Frist, Foley, Abramoff, Ney, Weldon, Sherwood, and for good measure, maybe Jesus, aren't going to jump out of their respective hiding places and yell, "SURPRISE!" because this last year has just been a big funny, and none of it really happened at all. Meaning come 2007, the GOP would still have control of Congress, Rummy would still have control of the military, and Hastert would still be third in line for the presidency.

Now that the results are in and the campaigns are over, I'll share with you some of my favorite moments:

• The National Republican Congressional Committee's ad about Michael Arcuri and the sex hotline. Click on the picture to the left to see it on YouTube. Personally, I'm impressed with the footage the NRCC found of Arturi lickin' his lips and making eyes at something in front of him. When Tim Russert asked NRCC chairman Tom Reynolds about it on Meet the Press last weekend, Reynolds' response was, "Politics isn't always fair."

• This graf from an article in Slate, which had some of the best writing throughout the entire campaign.

If there were an Oscar for political slime, it would go to "Twilight Zone," a spot run by Vernon Robinson, a congressional challenger in North Carolina. In 60 seconds, the ad manages to tie Democrat Brad Miller to Osama, gay marriage, "lesbians and feminists," activist judges, infanticide, flag-burning, racial quotas, space aliens, illegal immigrants, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. In another ad, Robinson stamps "XXX" across Miller's face, claiming that his opponent refused to support body armor for troops in Iraq but that he "pays for sex" and that he "spent your tax dollars to pay teenage girls to watch pornographic movies with probes connected to their genitalia."

• Today's first press conference in which Bush announced that Rumsfeld would step down. Specifically, the following quotes:
--->The question was why did Bush say he intended to keep Rumsfeld on as long as he was president. The answer was...

Hunt asked me the question one week before the campaign, and basically it was: You going to do something about Rumsfeld and the vice president? And my answer was, you know, they're going to stay on.
And the reason why is I didn't want to inject a major decision about this war in the final days of a campaign.
And so the only way to answer that question and to get you onto another question was to give you that answer.

In other words, you... outright lied?

--->During a long-winded answer to the same question:

Actually, I thought we were going to do fine yesterday. Shows what I know.

• Republican incumbent Richard Pombo losing to Democrat McNerney in California's 11th District, AKA Tracy, home to the reddest group of H2-driving, environment-killing elephants I've ever lived among.

• Jim Ryun, who I love and respect when he's wearing running shoes but want to strangle when any words come out of his mouth, losing his bid for a seventh (?) term in Kansas' 2nd District.

• Ferguson's Stender-is-a-spender-and-a-double-dipping-pension-padder campaign ads. Personally, I think he should have kept with the rhyme scheme throughout, though. Maybe, "Stender is a spender, a double-dipping pension bender, and a mean and slutty big rear-ender." Sure, it doesn't make sense, but who needs to make sense when it's Rhyme Time? It also would have given me something interesting to write about the race, which then might have allowed my article to run in full in this other paper and not get cut off in a place that makes it look like I never bothered to address the double-dipping pension padder's side of things.

• This photo to the left, of Ned Lamont at the polls.

• And finally, in the end the reason for the extent of the Dems' win was Foley. Voters in Utah voted against the Republican because a congressman in Florida has a thing for teenage boys. Democrats made huge gains and defeated Republicans, often by significant margins, throughout the country.

Meanwhile, in Foley's 16th District, the Democrat barely won. Tim Mahoney got 49 percent of the vote while 48 percent went to Republican Joe Negron's, who joined the race barely five weeks ago.

Best kitten ever update

Although I haven't received any direct inquiries, I'm assuming everyone's been wondering about how Fiver is doing. Thus, I will post below some pictures I just got from his new (or I guess not-so-new anymore) Mom. You may remember I gave him up a year ago this week.


At left, on top of a dog 20-times his size.

Below, on his new Mom's lap (she thinks his name is Jimmy, but it's Fiver).


At bottom/left (depending on your screen size), curled up with a fat cat, like A.M.

Now, let's be honest here: the cutest kitten on the face of the earth or the cutest kitten in the history of the world?

What I'm covering tomorrow:

A Pop Warner cheerleading competition and a chili cookoff.

1) I thought I got away from cheerleading when I got away from sports, as cheerleaders in Tracy always seemed to assume they belonged on the sports page.
2) I love that my work makes a difference in the world.
3) Anyone who wants to swing by and kill me before tomorrow, please do.

Stop bothering me

People are bothering me about posting on this thing more, which, well, is bothering me. So I'm posting on it more. Even though I have nothing to say. See what you've made me do? I've now written a boring and pointless post. That'll teach you.

I'm sorry, you'll have to call back after 6 p.m. today

What happens if there's a fire when all the area firefighters and fire engines are in a parade?

Wait, you're not a cat...

I was covering a small group of women who gathered to talk about politics and the upcoming midterm elections, and all of a sudden a small child came up to me ("that lady") and reached her arms up in pick-me-up fashion. I told her I didn't think that was such a good idea, but all the ladies around the table assured me it was a fantastic idea. I'd run out of arguments.

Here the child sits in my lap, and I look at the photographer with a what-the-hell-is-going-on-here smile. He perceives it as a boy-do-I-love-when-small-children-sit-on-me smile, and continues snapping pictures. He gives me the picture the next day.

Now. If you'll be so kind to notice, the kid, in her infinite wisdom, actually had no interest in "that lady" at all. There are candies on the table in front of me. She is eyeing them very closely.

A few minutes later she asks me, "Can I have a candy?" Before I can answer that maybe she should ask her mother, she nods to herself an emphatic 'yes' and reaches forward to take the candy.

Breaking News: Erica is correct

In the past, my Southern friends (OK, so Brian, and sometimes Eric) have criticized me for referring to what they call "toboggins" as "beanies." For all the non-Southern people out there, I should mention they pronounce it TOE-boggin.

With respect, I would like to note that the United States Supreme Court happens to agree with *me*.

In an oral argument yesterday about the constitutionality of a victim's family wearing photo buttons during a murder trial, none other than Justice Antonin Scalia addressed the issue of "beany hats."

You don't allow people to come into most courtrooms in tank shirts, and we
don't allow people to, you know, to wear beany hats. Everything that is
inappropriate for a courtroom is not necessarily inappropriate because it would
prejudice the trial; isn't that right?

Now, I'm no law expert or anything, but I'm *pretty* sure this means I'm right and you're wrong.

Phone on fire

Today I plugged in my phone, which had been sitting in a box for about eight months while I was in Europe, China, Va., etc., and I'm 99 percent sure that if I hadn't unplugged it when I did, it would have blown up. Daniel says it's just dust that gathered on the phone, and that I should just get one of those dust-blowing things and clean it off. But the idea of plugging it back in still scares me. Ideas? Do you, as loyal readers, agree with Daniel's lack of concern and think I should clean it off and plug it in? Disagree and think I should toss the phone? Agree but want to see me blow myself up? What's the verdict?

Delaying the torture

I'm sitting on Brian's couch in North Carolina right now, putting off the inevitable: locking the cats in their carriers, loading them into the car and driving the 11 hours back up to New Jersey. This procrastination is not a very good idea, because the longer I wait the later I'll get back, and the more likely I am to run into huge amounts of traffic in D.C. But here I am, posting on my blog for the first time in weeks instead of driving.

But I don't wanna.

I already drove down here from Jersey, but at least on the way down I got to stop and spend the night inVa. so it wasn't a straight shot. I also didn't have two miserable cats in the car with me, which generally strangles the fun out of just about everything -- and certainly strangles the fun out of something that didn't have much fun in it to begin with.

And I'm just getting my cats to love me again. They've essentially forgotten who I am (the only time Giz comes when I call now is when I have a comb in my hand, and that's just because he's a combing hoar. So if I trap them in little crates for 11 hours, they're going to be sad and annoyed and just generally dislike me even more.

Also, Gizmo is very cute, lying there happily on the chair, with no idea that he's about to face miserable-ness. Blast.

Maybe they mean Utah Highway Mileage

When gas mileage estimates say "highway mileage," they *so* aren't talking about New Jersey highways. Gas mileage here bites.

Ethics and baked goods

I'm still confused about how it came to be that I wrote this story. And I'm even more confused about how it ended up on the cover of the Metro section.
Conflict in Cookies?

Happy Birthday, or--

Today was my birthday, and I was very excited to walk into work and find a paper bag sitting on my desk. I wondered what it was. I assumed it must be cookies.

I was wrong.

It was an empty bag from someone's Chinese food. All that was left was a little baggie of those crunchy noodles.

And behind it was a plate of brownie crumbs.

Apparently there had been a party and my desk and I hadn't been invited.

My Hallmark moments

I'm not sure what's more pathetic:
1) That I spent my Friday night with a farting dog watching a made-for-TV movie on the Hallmark Channel; or 2) That I realized as the movie was ending that I'd already seen it.
Anyone?

In other news, here's my Clinton story. I'd like to inform from the outset that I had *nothing* to do with the lead. (Whereas the rest of the story is pure genius, of course).
http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060908/NEWS01/609080474&SearchID=73256338015529

Now. Some Bill Clinton quotes I wasn't able to fit into the Clinton story that I was moderately amused by or interested in:
• On fear mongering: "If you're full of anxiety, it's hard to think."
• On acting unilaterally: "One of the reasons the world gets mad at us is they think we act allone whenever we can and only cooperate when everything's gone to the devil and we need 'em."
• On his term "Home Improvement," which he cites as the things the U.S. needs to do: "Hillary says I shouldn't use that phrase because it's a show on cable television."
• On the lack of universal healthcare (not that he had a better answer): We spend 16 percent of our income on healthcare, while no other country spends more than 11 percent. Only 84 percent of Americans have health insurance. No other rich country has less than 100 percent of its citizens insured.
• On bombing countries quickly to avoid appearing weak: "When we think about using violence, we ought to talk first. ... When they told me if you don't act today, you're going to seem weak, I would always ask one question: 'Can we bomb them tomorrow?'"
• When talking about his federation that raises money for healthcare and AIDS prevention and treatment in Rwanda, he referred to himself as a "bleeding heart cheapskate."
• On the current administration's approach to crime (i.e. cutting funding to hire more cops and letting the assault weapon ban lapse): "Having fewer cops and more guns in the hands of criminals is not a very good anti-crime strategy and I doubt it will work in the long run."
• On minimum wage (which, he raised only once in his administration, and that raise didn't even keep up with the rate of inflation): "We should raise the minimum wage immediately."
• On offsetting additional spending with budget cuts: "We've got to stop pretending that 2 and 2's not 4. It's still 4. The truth is all I did was bring arithmetic back to Washington."
• On tax cuts for the upper echelon: "We shouldn't be growing these huge deficits to fund tax cuts that I don't need. I think Bill Clinton should pay for our soldiers in Afghanistan."
• On saving energy: "I personally changed all the lightbulbs in my house to compact flourescent lightbulbs." (I'm picturing this as a team thing between him and Hillary)

So that's Clinton. It was a good time, even though the woman next to me seemed to think that it was an interactive event. She whooped, cheered and often called out, "THAT'S RIGHT!" But I had to put a stop to it when she *raised her hand* and screamed "I have something on that!"

I can't wrap my tiny little brain around this one, but maybe you can

I've already received two e-mails from people with this link, so I figured I'd nip it in the bud before more people send it to me.

http://www.slate.com/id/2148759/?GT1=8592

For those of you who don't want to click on a link, the gist is that a new study was released suggesting that perhaps short people generally get paid less because short people are generally dumber.

And as far as my friends are concerned, short people are apparently more violent, too, because the two e-mails I got with the link had the following subject lines:
• Don't throw the nearest thing on your desk
• Don't kill me please

Am I really that scary (and dumb)?

Masterpiecing

For those of you who haven't been keeping abreast of my whereabouts, I have been very diligently creating such masterpieces as this:

Dinner's on newspaper contest winnerHome News Tribune Online
09/2/06STAFF REPORT EAST BRUNSWICK — Stanley Pich isn't one of those people who
wins things. So when the 79-year-old East Brunswick resident was chosen
yesterday as the winner of the Home News Tribune's monthly Win A Grand contest,
he was more than a little surprised. "I was greatly surprised," said Pich, who
said he's been entering the contest ever since it began. "It was the best news I
heard in a long time." Pich, a retired postal supervisor who has lived in
Central Jersey his whole life, has been reading the 001 ? 0015.07paper and its
predecessors for "a good 50 years." The father of three and grandfather of four
said he'd use the money to take his family out. "I guess I'll take the entire
family and some friends out for a good dinner," Pich said. "I'll put it to good
use — that's for sure." Pich's entry was chosen from among about 60,000 entries
by Joseph Cavone, the newspaper's vice president for marketing.

It's like poetry, isn't it?

In other, and slightly (only slightly) more exciting news than Mr. Pich's winnings, I will be covering a speech by Bill Clinton at the State Theater in New Brunswick tonight.

Ultimately, the story's just going to be a boring recap of what was said and who was there, much like covering an elementary school performance. But still -- Bill Clinton.