Maybe they mean Utah Highway Mileage

When gas mileage estimates say "highway mileage," they *so* aren't talking about New Jersey highways. Gas mileage here bites.

Ethics and baked goods

I'm still confused about how it came to be that I wrote this story. And I'm even more confused about how it ended up on the cover of the Metro section.
Conflict in Cookies?

Happy Birthday, or--

Today was my birthday, and I was very excited to walk into work and find a paper bag sitting on my desk. I wondered what it was. I assumed it must be cookies.

I was wrong.

It was an empty bag from someone's Chinese food. All that was left was a little baggie of those crunchy noodles.

And behind it was a plate of brownie crumbs.

Apparently there had been a party and my desk and I hadn't been invited.

My Hallmark moments

I'm not sure what's more pathetic:
1) That I spent my Friday night with a farting dog watching a made-for-TV movie on the Hallmark Channel; or 2) That I realized as the movie was ending that I'd already seen it.
Anyone?

In other news, here's my Clinton story. I'd like to inform from the outset that I had *nothing* to do with the lead. (Whereas the rest of the story is pure genius, of course).
http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060908/NEWS01/609080474&SearchID=73256338015529

Now. Some Bill Clinton quotes I wasn't able to fit into the Clinton story that I was moderately amused by or interested in:
• On fear mongering: "If you're full of anxiety, it's hard to think."
• On acting unilaterally: "One of the reasons the world gets mad at us is they think we act allone whenever we can and only cooperate when everything's gone to the devil and we need 'em."
• On his term "Home Improvement," which he cites as the things the U.S. needs to do: "Hillary says I shouldn't use that phrase because it's a show on cable television."
• On the lack of universal healthcare (not that he had a better answer): We spend 16 percent of our income on healthcare, while no other country spends more than 11 percent. Only 84 percent of Americans have health insurance. No other rich country has less than 100 percent of its citizens insured.
• On bombing countries quickly to avoid appearing weak: "When we think about using violence, we ought to talk first. ... When they told me if you don't act today, you're going to seem weak, I would always ask one question: 'Can we bomb them tomorrow?'"
• When talking about his federation that raises money for healthcare and AIDS prevention and treatment in Rwanda, he referred to himself as a "bleeding heart cheapskate."
• On the current administration's approach to crime (i.e. cutting funding to hire more cops and letting the assault weapon ban lapse): "Having fewer cops and more guns in the hands of criminals is not a very good anti-crime strategy and I doubt it will work in the long run."
• On minimum wage (which, he raised only once in his administration, and that raise didn't even keep up with the rate of inflation): "We should raise the minimum wage immediately."
• On offsetting additional spending with budget cuts: "We've got to stop pretending that 2 and 2's not 4. It's still 4. The truth is all I did was bring arithmetic back to Washington."
• On tax cuts for the upper echelon: "We shouldn't be growing these huge deficits to fund tax cuts that I don't need. I think Bill Clinton should pay for our soldiers in Afghanistan."
• On saving energy: "I personally changed all the lightbulbs in my house to compact flourescent lightbulbs." (I'm picturing this as a team thing between him and Hillary)

So that's Clinton. It was a good time, even though the woman next to me seemed to think that it was an interactive event. She whooped, cheered and often called out, "THAT'S RIGHT!" But I had to put a stop to it when she *raised her hand* and screamed "I have something on that!"

I can't wrap my tiny little brain around this one, but maybe you can

I've already received two e-mails from people with this link, so I figured I'd nip it in the bud before more people send it to me.

http://www.slate.com/id/2148759/?GT1=8592

For those of you who don't want to click on a link, the gist is that a new study was released suggesting that perhaps short people generally get paid less because short people are generally dumber.

And as far as my friends are concerned, short people are apparently more violent, too, because the two e-mails I got with the link had the following subject lines:
• Don't throw the nearest thing on your desk
• Don't kill me please

Am I really that scary (and dumb)?

Masterpiecing

For those of you who haven't been keeping abreast of my whereabouts, I have been very diligently creating such masterpieces as this:

Dinner's on newspaper contest winnerHome News Tribune Online
09/2/06STAFF REPORT EAST BRUNSWICK — Stanley Pich isn't one of those people who
wins things. So when the 79-year-old East Brunswick resident was chosen
yesterday as the winner of the Home News Tribune's monthly Win A Grand contest,
he was more than a little surprised. "I was greatly surprised," said Pich, who
said he's been entering the contest ever since it began. "It was the best news I
heard in a long time." Pich, a retired postal supervisor who has lived in
Central Jersey his whole life, has been reading the 001 ? 0015.07paper and its
predecessors for "a good 50 years." The father of three and grandfather of four
said he'd use the money to take his family out. "I guess I'll take the entire
family and some friends out for a good dinner," Pich said. "I'll put it to good
use — that's for sure." Pich's entry was chosen from among about 60,000 entries
by Joseph Cavone, the newspaper's vice president for marketing.

It's like poetry, isn't it?

In other, and slightly (only slightly) more exciting news than Mr. Pich's winnings, I will be covering a speech by Bill Clinton at the State Theater in New Brunswick tonight.

Ultimately, the story's just going to be a boring recap of what was said and who was there, much like covering an elementary school performance. But still -- Bill Clinton.