What am I??

I found this in a drawer at work and no one knows what it is. I've received the following guesses from various coworkers and ruled them all out: 1. seam ripper; 2. tweezers; 3. staple remover; 4. poker; 5. dentist's tool. Someone give me a guess that makes sense. I hate when I can't google something and figure it out. Note: The pen is next to it for size perspective.

Riddle of the day

Here is your riddle:
How do you get a girl to go out with you after she's already said no and claimed to be a lesbian?
What a guy last night thought was the answer:
Steal her cell phone.

I LOVE people.

Chitty chitty bang bang WHISTLE

I was in New York this weekend, and Obesity Girl and I met up Saturday night in our spot, which is in front of the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang theater in Times Square. Well, we were screeching and flailing our arms about in traditional Obesity Girl fashion, when all of a sudden we heard a whistle.

Both scared it was a cop and we were about to be arrested for public drunkeness or the like — which, incidentally would have been very impressive given that we were both 100 percent sober — we halted our antics and turned toward the sound of the whistle. Finally, looking down, I saw an old, old man, leaning crooked over a cane and wearing an oversized bright orange T-shirt. He was blowing a little plastic whistle at us.

When he got our attention, I was silent, dumbfounded, and Obesity Girl was laughing hysterically (I soon followed). Then, in a voice that sounded like drunken rambling (although I don't think he was drunk), he screamed "WHAT'S WRONNNNGGGG?" Shaking his finger at us, he continued, "WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOOING?"

At this point I was keeled over in hysterical laughter and he was not pleased. He trudged away with his plastic whistle still hanging from his neck, muttering incoherently as he limped along.

Regrets, regrets

I was standing outside a bar talking to a friend from work around 2 a.m. last night, when a guy I've never seen before in my life approached us. He looked at me with a weird look, said, "Excuse me, I'm sorry to interrupt," then stepped directly in front of me (facing away) and addressed my friend, Mike.

"I'm sorry to interrupt," he said to Mike. "But she looks, like, 12."

Really I wanted to kick him, or at least come up with some intelligent thing to say and make him feel like the moron he is. Instead, all I did was explain to him you're not supposed to talk about someone in the third person when they're standing right next to you. Then I walked away and kicked myself instead for being so completely unoriginal.

If I was going to be unoriginal anyway, maybe I should have just punched him in the nose.

Optimism

So I'm getting worse and worse at updating this thing. But also, I'm not sure anyone's reading it anymore so we're even.

Anyway I've decided to compile a short list of things I dislike (and, for your benefit and for purposes of space, I'll leave out all things political).

1) Creepy guys who hit on me at the gas station.
2) Cute guys who don't hit on me at the animal shelter.
3) Track coaches who are forced into resignation and tell me with a straight face that they want to spend more time with their family.
4) Having a cold, even though it's 100+ degrees outside.
5) The fact that it's 100+ degrees outside.

And I'll leave it at that. And if you'll note, the "things I dislike" list is 100 percent shorter than the "things I like" list. That must make me an optimist.

Oh I forgot one more:
6) Being asked at every high school sporting event I cover if I wrote for the school paper. Or "Do you go to West High?" Once when I said no, very emphatically, the guy thought he got the idea and apologized: "Oh, I'm sorry," he said. "You go to Tracy?"