Why won't you take my money????

A South Carolina man tried to open a bank account with a million-dollar bill and then cursed out the tellers when they refused to do it, according to the AP.

He was charged with disorderly conduct and forgery.

It's almost like the infamous 20,000-forint incident of 2006... except... well... less real...

Incidentally I hope you people are picturing this like I am... "WHY WON'T YOU PEOPLE ACCEPT MY MILLION-DOLLAR BILL?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! IT'S REAAAAAL, I TELL YOU!!!!! REEEEAAAAAAL!!!!!!!"









(And if you're wondering, I swear I do work during the day... I... just.... need people to call me back. It's not my fault they don't call me back. I mean, how can I write Things when People don't call me back? Seriously.)

At least she'll be powder fresh

I know I generally pilfer from the AP for this thing, so today I thought I'd mix it up a little and instead pilfer from Nicole. This morning I received the following e-mail from Nicole, whose boyfriend's parents are currently visiting them in Puerto Rico.

I woke up this morning and Dave's parents were there. His mom had dryer sheets under each arm, tucked into her sandals, tucked into her shirt like a bib, sticking out of her pants pockets and in each hand.

Why you ask?

To keep the mosquitoes away of course.

She doesn't want to use bug spray because she "just doesn't trust DEET" but thinks she read somewhere that dryer sheets will keep the bugs away. This apparently isn't true because she was still getting bit and was informing me about each bite since it is apparently my fault that Puerto Rico has a lot of mosquitoes. She keeps saying "I only get bit at your house" and I want to tell her that is because other than my house the only place she goes is to air conditioned restaurants, but each time I bite my tongue.

But despite the fact that the dryer sheets obviously weren't working she still insisted on walking around covered in dryer sheets instead of using the fucking bug wipes that I bought. The last straw for me was when she was trying to get a dryer sheet to stay in her hair. I had to leave the room. I don't even have to be at work right now but I'm not leaving because there's too much crazy at my house.

"This toothpaste tastes awful"

So Becky and I returned to my aunt's apartment last night after a few drinks, and as we were both getting ready for bed she emerged from the bathroom with a generally disgusted look on her face.

"This toothpaste tastes awful," she said, holding up the white tube.

That's when she actually looked at the tube in her hand. And realized she had spent the last three minutes brushing her teeth with hydrocortisone cream.

It capped a day spent soup-kitchening, watching surgery shows on Discovery, going out to eat and drinking.

We volunteered at a soup kitchen in Queens, where we cut and peeled carrots and.. yeah... pretty much it. They were giant carrots and we spent our time comparing each one to different men. The nice, churchgoing volunteers doing the real cooking may have been giving us dirty looks.

Once the cooking was done we essentially served as the cheerful greeters as people walked in the door. I signed people in and Becky directed them "a la izquierda," and all the men were very happy about the cute girls in the hairnets at the front door. That's right. We got a lot of second looks. In fact, if they'd had phone we *totally* could have gotten, like, 50 numbers.

People suck

Apparently it's a longstanding tradition during halftime of Jets games for men to stand along the winding stairwell at Gate D and try to harass women into showing their breasts, according to a story in today's New York Times. The men throw things at women who don't comply.

From the Times story:
Throughout halftime, about 10 security guards in yellow jackets stood near the bottom of the circular, multilevel ramp, located beyond the stadium’s concourse of concession stands and restrooms. One of the guards was smoking a cigarette; many fans do the same during halftime on the giant ramps, which are located at each corner of the stadium.

A YouTube clip (which has been removed) shows a man groping a woman next to him.

When the Times reporter tried to question these security guards about the practice, they detained him and threatened him with arrest unless he surrendered his tape recorder.

Another guard said later that they couldn't do anything about the practice because of free speech laws. Because apparently harassment and free speech are the same thing. The security guards do, however, threaten women with indecent exposure laws.

A.M. is evil

Last night A.M. threw up in her food bowl while she was eating and simply continued to eat around the vomit.

Today she threw up in four different places around the apartment.

I'm not sure what I did to piss that cat off but I really wish she would stop.

Give me all your money or...

A Kentucky man used a stapler to rob an ice cream store Tuesday.

From the AP: Ashland Police Capt. Don Petrella said he didn't know if Rocchi planned
to shoot staples at the shop's employees or use it as a blunt instrument if
he didn't get the cash.

Anyone can make your wee-wee grow, but we take things even further!

I just got an e-mail with the subject line, "Beat her womb with your new big rod."

I watch too much TV

Last night I dreamed I was sitting in the Scrubs hospital with Donna from 90210 when the guys from Queer Eye came to do a show on Turk. Because I watch too much TV.

There's really nothing I can add to this...

Straight from the AP:

SEATTLE (AP) — A woman bit off her ex-boyfriend's lower lip as they were kissing in bed, likely disfiguring him permanently, authorities said.

The 49-year-old man and the woman kissed several times Monday night when, without provocation, she bit off his lip and spat it out, he told King County sheriff's deputies.

Deputies were called to the house in White Center, an unincorporated suburb south of Seattle, and found the man bleeding on the porch.

"There was quite a bit of blood,'' sheriff's Sgt. John Urquhart said. "He could talk, but just barely.''

Deputies reported finding the man's lip on the bedroom floor, covered with cat hair. Doctors at a hospital were unable to reattach the lip, and deputies said he was likely to remain disfigured.

Authorities said a 44-year-old woman in the house cursed and attacked one of the deputies with a pillow before being arrested. She was jailed on investigation of domestic violence but had not been charged.

Bail for the woman was set Tuesday at $25,000. It was unclear Wednesday whether she had a lawyer and police did not release her name.

The man and woman share the home with another couple, deputies said, though he was described as the woman's ex-boyfriend. All four of them are recovering drug addicts, deputies said.

Deputies had been called to the home an hour before the attack because the woman apparently was drunk and disruptive. At that time there was no indication of violence nor any other reason to arrest her, Urquhart said.

Halloween pics

Unfortunately, Becky and I forgot cameras on Halloween night, which means there's no record we were ever toothpaste. But Dave and I took pictures the Saturday after Halloween, when we went out in New Brunswick. Dave was Clark Kent and I wore the dominatrix costume I bought in Boston years ago, back before those costumes were $80...

So for the sake of posterity...

Don't look too close -- I totally photoshopped the arm-fat from my left arm. (You might ask why I'd go to all that trouble and then tell everyone -- well apparently I'm more proud of my technical savvy than I am self-conscious about my arm fat.)

He also had a little reporters notebook that said "Daily Planet" on the cover. He's big on the props. I, however, always lose them. I've left the whip in two different boyfriends' cars in the previous Halloweens (the first one got pulled over with it in the passenger seat, and the cop subsequently eyed him very suspiciously) and have since given up on props.

I fixed the arm-fat here, too -- albeit less successfully and more noticeably...

What? No, I'm *totally* comfortable dressed like this...