Honing my brokeness

When unemployed, it's best to spend as little money as possible, since you don't have any coming in. To conserve your most limited resource. It's just smart.

That is why I locked myself out of the house today and had to call a locksmith to pick the lock for $75.

How Cool I Am

So I took one of the last metros last night, around midnight. Since it was a Friday night and all, everyone on the metro was wearing nice, stylish, going-out clothes, and talking loudly with their groups of friends.

I was wearing ripped jeans and carrying an apple, a pear and a book.

It actually worked

Last night I suggested to the people I was hanging out with that we make snickerdoodles. And we made snickerdoodles.

I've reached a conclusion:

I'm never going to find a job, ever.
Also...
I don't remember this paper rejection letter thing from last time around. I've gotten this flurry of nicely typed letters in the mail telling me how un-qualified I am to work at Buttfuck Times A, B or C, but how they'll certainly keep my resume on file in case Buttfuck Weekly A, B or C needs an unqualified person like me. Is this a new fad, or have I just become less qualified in the last year and a half? It's like they're telling me, "We dislike you 39 cents much."

So yesterday I sent out five applications -- three online and two via snail mail -- and I'm hoping for five rejection letters to come in the mail within the next week. I'm thinking about making a book out of them. The good thing is The New Republic gives out three-month subscriptions with their rejections (which they, incidentally, send by e-mail -- they don't even dislike me 39 cents much), so if they keep rejecting me I'll eventually have a lifetime subscription.

I had a tryout in Jersey about a week ago, but I got into an I-can-talk-louder-than-you fight with the editor, so I'm not so sure they'll "be in touch," as promised.

And I guess that's about it. Now, I'm going to go for a run, because in addition to being broke, unemployed and unqualified, I'm fat.

Never go to Utah.

So I've successfully made my way across the country, and am in North Carolina with Brian. I'll drive up to Virginia tomorrow, at which point I guess I'll be officially living again on the East Coast.

The cross-country trip took seven days with a very long detour to Bozeman, Montana. We passed through 16 states, in the following order: California, Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina.

Between the two of us, we only accumulated two tickets; Brian for running an invisible stop sign in Kenab, Utah, and me for passing an invisible cop at 91 mph about five miles before getting the hell out of Utah. So the consensus is we're never going back to Utah.

Along the way, we saw the Grand Canyon; a place in Bozeman where Lewis and Clark camped for four days while figuring out how to pass through 10 waterfalls in the Missouri River; Yellowstone; Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse in South Dakota; the Gateway Arch in St. Louis and the Louisville Slugger Museum in Louisville. We also went to a couple of bars in Kansas City, where we stayed with Kansas Paul, who I met in Brussels. Here are some things we learned along the way:

1) Wyoming is so far to the right that even its roads are red.
2) Never go to Utah.
3) Waffle House is too good for the good people of Western Kentucky. They prefer "Waffle Steak."
4) Montana has the hottest girls (this is Brian's verdict), and Kansas City the hottest guys (go figure).
5) Even the people in Kansas think the people in Kansas are bigoted. You pass by myriad cars with bumper stickers that say, "Kansas: it's as bigoted as you think."
6) There are at least 17,000 places called "Bear Country" in Montana and Idaho, but you will never actually see any bears.
7) Valium doesn't work so well on cats (The vet gave me a prescription for them, I swear).
8) The people carving Mount Rushmore had to buy new expensive equipment to avoid delays caused by dirty laundry.
9) Looking for the Gateway Arch, which towers over the rest of the skyline in St. Louis, could very easily leave you en route to Chicago.
10) Brian fails as a motivator to do pushups and situps every night.

So that's it. The trip. I'll post pictures as soon as they finish uploading...

The plan

So, just to keep everyone updated, I'll be leaving to drive across the country on Friday. I'm staying in Fairfax, VA, a suburb of D.C., until I find a job, which I'm going to go ahead and assume will happen immediately, because the only possible reason that these East Coast newspapers I've applied to aren't knocking down my door is that my door's too far away -- it can't possibly have anything to do with me, cause I'm great. But you all know that already, or why else would you be reading my blog?

So Brian, the best person ever, will be flying in tomorrow, and we'll drive up to Modesto and load my stuff into my car on Thursday. Then, on Friday morning, we'll go to the apartment of the two other best people ever, Sara and Kirby, and pick up my cats. Then we'll leave from there.

We'll make some stops along the way -- specifically, the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, Bozeman, Montana, and Kansas City, before dropping Brian and the cats off in North Carolina (the people I'm staying with in VA are allergic).

That's it. The plan. Now stop wasting time and go find me a job.