Maybe they mean Utah Highway Mileage

When gas mileage estimates say "highway mileage," they *so* aren't talking about New Jersey highways. Gas mileage here bites.

Ethics and baked goods

I'm still confused about how it came to be that I wrote this story. And I'm even more confused about how it ended up on the cover of the Metro section.
Conflict in Cookies?

Happy Birthday, or--

Today was my birthday, and I was very excited to walk into work and find a paper bag sitting on my desk. I wondered what it was. I assumed it must be cookies.

I was wrong.

It was an empty bag from someone's Chinese food. All that was left was a little baggie of those crunchy noodles.

And behind it was a plate of brownie crumbs.

Apparently there had been a party and my desk and I hadn't been invited.

My Hallmark moments

I'm not sure what's more pathetic:
1) That I spent my Friday night with a farting dog watching a made-for-TV movie on the Hallmark Channel; or 2) That I realized as the movie was ending that I'd already seen it.
Anyone?

In other news, here's my Clinton story. I'd like to inform from the outset that I had *nothing* to do with the lead. (Whereas the rest of the story is pure genius, of course).
http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060908/NEWS01/609080474&SearchID=73256338015529

Now. Some Bill Clinton quotes I wasn't able to fit into the Clinton story that I was moderately amused by or interested in:
• On fear mongering: "If you're full of anxiety, it's hard to think."
• On acting unilaterally: "One of the reasons the world gets mad at us is they think we act allone whenever we can and only cooperate when everything's gone to the devil and we need 'em."
• On his term "Home Improvement," which he cites as the things the U.S. needs to do: "Hillary says I shouldn't use that phrase because it's a show on cable television."
• On the lack of universal healthcare (not that he had a better answer): We spend 16 percent of our income on healthcare, while no other country spends more than 11 percent. Only 84 percent of Americans have health insurance. No other rich country has less than 100 percent of its citizens insured.
• On bombing countries quickly to avoid appearing weak: "When we think about using violence, we ought to talk first. ... When they told me if you don't act today, you're going to seem weak, I would always ask one question: 'Can we bomb them tomorrow?'"
• When talking about his federation that raises money for healthcare and AIDS prevention and treatment in Rwanda, he referred to himself as a "bleeding heart cheapskate."
• On the current administration's approach to crime (i.e. cutting funding to hire more cops and letting the assault weapon ban lapse): "Having fewer cops and more guns in the hands of criminals is not a very good anti-crime strategy and I doubt it will work in the long run."
• On minimum wage (which, he raised only once in his administration, and that raise didn't even keep up with the rate of inflation): "We should raise the minimum wage immediately."
• On offsetting additional spending with budget cuts: "We've got to stop pretending that 2 and 2's not 4. It's still 4. The truth is all I did was bring arithmetic back to Washington."
• On tax cuts for the upper echelon: "We shouldn't be growing these huge deficits to fund tax cuts that I don't need. I think Bill Clinton should pay for our soldiers in Afghanistan."
• On saving energy: "I personally changed all the lightbulbs in my house to compact flourescent lightbulbs." (I'm picturing this as a team thing between him and Hillary)

So that's Clinton. It was a good time, even though the woman next to me seemed to think that it was an interactive event. She whooped, cheered and often called out, "THAT'S RIGHT!" But I had to put a stop to it when she *raised her hand* and screamed "I have something on that!"

I can't wrap my tiny little brain around this one, but maybe you can

I've already received two e-mails from people with this link, so I figured I'd nip it in the bud before more people send it to me.

http://www.slate.com/id/2148759/?GT1=8592

For those of you who don't want to click on a link, the gist is that a new study was released suggesting that perhaps short people generally get paid less because short people are generally dumber.

And as far as my friends are concerned, short people are apparently more violent, too, because the two e-mails I got with the link had the following subject lines:
• Don't throw the nearest thing on your desk
• Don't kill me please

Am I really that scary (and dumb)?

Masterpiecing

For those of you who haven't been keeping abreast of my whereabouts, I have been very diligently creating such masterpieces as this:

Dinner's on newspaper contest winnerHome News Tribune Online
09/2/06STAFF REPORT EAST BRUNSWICK — Stanley Pich isn't one of those people who
wins things. So when the 79-year-old East Brunswick resident was chosen
yesterday as the winner of the Home News Tribune's monthly Win A Grand contest,
he was more than a little surprised. "I was greatly surprised," said Pich, who
said he's been entering the contest ever since it began. "It was the best news I
heard in a long time." Pich, a retired postal supervisor who has lived in
Central Jersey his whole life, has been reading the 001 ? 0015.07paper and its
predecessors for "a good 50 years." The father of three and grandfather of four
said he'd use the money to take his family out. "I guess I'll take the entire
family and some friends out for a good dinner," Pich said. "I'll put it to good
use — that's for sure." Pich's entry was chosen from among about 60,000 entries
by Joseph Cavone, the newspaper's vice president for marketing.

It's like poetry, isn't it?

In other, and slightly (only slightly) more exciting news than Mr. Pich's winnings, I will be covering a speech by Bill Clinton at the State Theater in New Brunswick tonight.

Ultimately, the story's just going to be a boring recap of what was said and who was there, much like covering an elementary school performance. But still -- Bill Clinton.

It'd be better if I had a cat to pet...

Dude. I forgot what it was like to sit at a desk for eight hours. I also forgot what it was like to have everyone saying, "don't quote me on any of this," regarding issues with the political sensitivity of my big toe.

Snakes in the woods!

I like to think that in the likely situation of a gang boss releasing venomous snakes on a plane, I would be a hero. I would save babies and puppies and walk away victorious.

But over the weekend I was running in the woods in Greensboro, N.C., and I discovered that I would *not* be heroic at all. In fact, I would make girly noises and sprint away as fast as I could possibly go.

I know this because that is exactly what I did when I saw snakes in the woods in Greensboro. After seeing two different snakes slither across the running path, I spent the rest of my run dodging tree roots like they were going to eat me and screaming whenever a) a squirrel ran by, b) I saw a suspiciously curvy root, or c) the sun peeked through the trees and made a slithery looking shadow.

And here's the other way I know I'm not that brave:

I was driving in New Jersey today when a very large bug started darting around on the inside of my car. I screamed and swerved, then got my bearings and opened the window. The bug did not want to leave. I tried to coax him out the window by poking near him with my Mapquest (I didn't want to actually poke him, as he might fall on me). He still wouldn't leave. Eventually, I had to pull into a McDonald's parking lot and get out of the car. This was not easy, as I was driving on a highway. I also had to climb over the parking break and out the passenger-side door since I had seen the bug on the driver-side door.

Then I couldn't find the bug. So I opened all four doors and all of a sudden he came running out from under some boxes in the back seat. He disappeared again.

I stood in the McDonald's parking lot for 15 minutes trying to find the bug. I even got the McDonald's trash guy to move a box because I thought the bug might be under the box. He didn't understand English and was very confused at my request. He thought I might want him to carry the box inside, and then he kept staring back at me as I stood in the parking lot, smacking a towel around in the car, banging on the seat and doing other strange things.

I never found the bug, but I think he may have left when I wasn't looking. If he didn't leave, and if I get into a car accident in the next few days, you'll know why.

Snakes on a plane!

I saw it last night. There were snakes. On a plane. Biting people in very bad places. It was a good time.

Why they should teach grammar/vocab in schools

Well, I've decided to try to sublet a room for the first month and then spend that month looking for a one-bedroom, and in my search I've run into some real fun.

Why they should teach grammar in schools:

hi its a room in my house so it is furnished the rent
depends on if you will help out with the place like cleaning and
whatever are u in la now i would really have to trust you so you
need to tell me as much as possible about you why only workin here for
a month what will u be doing tell me as much as you can thankls

Why they should teach vocab in schools:

Hi, I have a room 5 minutes from East Brunswick. Please let me know
how long you pretend to rent it for and what you're looking to pay.

Apartment fun

Well I've finally found a job, which means the apartment hunt has begun. So far, I've discovered that I will have to either a) live in a town called "one of the best places in the country to retire," a few miles outside of the city where I'll be working; b) Not eat, and instead use my entire paycheck to pay rent; or c) Live in a cardboard box until the affordable apartments open up on Sept. 15 or Oct. 1.

My other option is deciphering e-mails such as this from Craigslist posters:

My e-mail:
I'm writing to inquire about the one-bedroom apartments you have available. Is one still available? When's the earliest possible move-in date? What isthe square footage? Are any utilities included in the rent?
Thank you.

The response:
Dear Erica,
The apartment is very nice and clean. I would like for you to see the apartment to see if like the apartment. You could move in any time and date.... But you would have to fill out an appilcation.
Thank you

Honing my brokeness

When unemployed, it's best to spend as little money as possible, since you don't have any coming in. To conserve your most limited resource. It's just smart.

That is why I locked myself out of the house today and had to call a locksmith to pick the lock for $75.

How Cool I Am

So I took one of the last metros last night, around midnight. Since it was a Friday night and all, everyone on the metro was wearing nice, stylish, going-out clothes, and talking loudly with their groups of friends.

I was wearing ripped jeans and carrying an apple, a pear and a book.

It actually worked

Last night I suggested to the people I was hanging out with that we make snickerdoodles. And we made snickerdoodles.

I've reached a conclusion:

I'm never going to find a job, ever.
Also...
I don't remember this paper rejection letter thing from last time around. I've gotten this flurry of nicely typed letters in the mail telling me how un-qualified I am to work at Buttfuck Times A, B or C, but how they'll certainly keep my resume on file in case Buttfuck Weekly A, B or C needs an unqualified person like me. Is this a new fad, or have I just become less qualified in the last year and a half? It's like they're telling me, "We dislike you 39 cents much."

So yesterday I sent out five applications -- three online and two via snail mail -- and I'm hoping for five rejection letters to come in the mail within the next week. I'm thinking about making a book out of them. The good thing is The New Republic gives out three-month subscriptions with their rejections (which they, incidentally, send by e-mail -- they don't even dislike me 39 cents much), so if they keep rejecting me I'll eventually have a lifetime subscription.

I had a tryout in Jersey about a week ago, but I got into an I-can-talk-louder-than-you fight with the editor, so I'm not so sure they'll "be in touch," as promised.

And I guess that's about it. Now, I'm going to go for a run, because in addition to being broke, unemployed and unqualified, I'm fat.

Never go to Utah.

So I've successfully made my way across the country, and am in North Carolina with Brian. I'll drive up to Virginia tomorrow, at which point I guess I'll be officially living again on the East Coast.

The cross-country trip took seven days with a very long detour to Bozeman, Montana. We passed through 16 states, in the following order: California, Arizona, Utah, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, South Dakota, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas, Illinois, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia, Virginia, North Carolina.

Between the two of us, we only accumulated two tickets; Brian for running an invisible stop sign in Kenab, Utah, and me for passing an invisible cop at 91 mph about five miles before getting the hell out of Utah. So the consensus is we're never going back to Utah.

Along the way, we saw the Grand Canyon; a place in Bozeman where Lewis and Clark camped for four days while figuring out how to pass through 10 waterfalls in the Missouri River; Yellowstone; Mount Rushmore and Crazy Horse in South Dakota; the Gateway Arch in St. Louis and the Louisville Slugger Museum in Louisville. We also went to a couple of bars in Kansas City, where we stayed with Kansas Paul, who I met in Brussels. Here are some things we learned along the way:

1) Wyoming is so far to the right that even its roads are red.
2) Never go to Utah.
3) Waffle House is too good for the good people of Western Kentucky. They prefer "Waffle Steak."
4) Montana has the hottest girls (this is Brian's verdict), and Kansas City the hottest guys (go figure).
5) Even the people in Kansas think the people in Kansas are bigoted. You pass by myriad cars with bumper stickers that say, "Kansas: it's as bigoted as you think."
6) There are at least 17,000 places called "Bear Country" in Montana and Idaho, but you will never actually see any bears.
7) Valium doesn't work so well on cats (The vet gave me a prescription for them, I swear).
8) The people carving Mount Rushmore had to buy new expensive equipment to avoid delays caused by dirty laundry.
9) Looking for the Gateway Arch, which towers over the rest of the skyline in St. Louis, could very easily leave you en route to Chicago.
10) Brian fails as a motivator to do pushups and situps every night.

So that's it. The trip. I'll post pictures as soon as they finish uploading...

The plan

So, just to keep everyone updated, I'll be leaving to drive across the country on Friday. I'm staying in Fairfax, VA, a suburb of D.C., until I find a job, which I'm going to go ahead and assume will happen immediately, because the only possible reason that these East Coast newspapers I've applied to aren't knocking down my door is that my door's too far away -- it can't possibly have anything to do with me, cause I'm great. But you all know that already, or why else would you be reading my blog?

So Brian, the best person ever, will be flying in tomorrow, and we'll drive up to Modesto and load my stuff into my car on Thursday. Then, on Friday morning, we'll go to the apartment of the two other best people ever, Sara and Kirby, and pick up my cats. Then we'll leave from there.

We'll make some stops along the way -- specifically, the Grand Canyon, Mount Rushmore, Bozeman, Montana, and Kansas City, before dropping Brian and the cats off in North Carolina (the people I'm staying with in VA are allergic).

That's it. The plan. Now stop wasting time and go find me a job.

Nomadding around

I don't wanna hear it, Aviva. I'm making it a verb.

So I returned from China on Wednesday, and I'm in Santa Monica now. But it looks like I'll probably be driving across the country very soon... looks like beginning July 7. Now let's not get too excited here. This isn't because I have a job, or, for that matter, any prospects. It *is* because I believe I will never, ever get a job on the East Coast if I don't move to the East Coast. So that's what I'm doing. Nomadding.

For now, and into the future, I can be reached on my cell phone, the same number I've had as long as I've had a cell phone, which I think I e-mailed to just about everyone who ever checks this thing. If I haven't sent it to you, feel free to e-mail and ask (Gotta keep the number away from all my crazy fans who follow my every move, of course). And I can also be reached at my brother's number till July 6.

So that's the word.

I'll keep everyone updated.

Some keen Shanghai salesmanship

I was looking at a skirt in a store in this mall under the train station in People's Square, and the woman comes up to me and says, "No, big." This led me to look more closely at the tag on the skirt that I had simply been glancing at, and I saw that it was a size small, which is, in fact, my size. So why was she telling me that this was too big for me?

She wasn't.

When I realized this I looked at her and asked, "I'm big?"

"Yes," she said. "BIIIG," and she made the fatty gesture, like the circumference of my waist is approximately equivalent to that of Jupiter's largest moon.

"I no big," I said, and then started laughing because a) I was being called a fatty by a salesgirl, and b) I had just used broken English to match her broken English.

"BIIIIIIG," she said, not understanding why I was arguing this obvious fact. Then she looked through the row of skirts and took out a Large for me. "Big," she said again, and then looked at the label. "Laaaaarge."

"No," I said. "Small."

She was very confused by this statement, apparently thinking her English vocabularly may be deceiving her. So she put her hands on my waist to see what size I truly was.

I removed them.

"No. Big." I said. "Just. Looking."

She looked confused.

"Just. Looking." I repeated. "You. Leave."

"OK, OK, you look," she said, at this point realizing she'd done something wrong but having no idea what it was.

I left, too, and have decided not to do any more shopping in China. I mean, I did put on a few pounds in Europe, but I ain't no Large-- I don't care what country I'm in.

Things I've learned about the Shanghainese

1) They talk. Loud.
2) They perpetually honk their horns. There could be one person on the road. And that one person would still be honking his horn. In Shanghai the traffic lights turn yellow right before they turn green, and I had a bus driver the other day who would honk his horn when it turned yellow.
3) When you're trying to figure out how much things cost, instead of showing you the numbers with their fingers like in every other country I've been to, they make strange hand gestures, like their fingers are doing a little dance. Then they absolutely don't understand why you don't understand.
4) People with motorcycles ride along on the sidewalk, and honk and pedestrians. This is completely legal.
5) At least half the cabbies have no idea where they're going.
6) They like their humidity. They even make sure that it's humid *inside.*
7) The hospitals are dirtier than the train stations.

In any case, I'm going to take a big stride here and not go up to 10. That's right. I'm going to leave my list at seven, which is not only *not* a multiple of 5 -- it's an odd number. And I'm OK with that.

Anyway Shanghai isn't so bad. I've been to the zoo, where I had to flip out on a couple of people who were harrassing the cougar and the leopard (it was fun -- I finally had to show them the throat-slitting gesture to make them understand). I've been to a couple of temples, and I've been to this market, where you can get any name brand product for about $5. They're all knock-offs, but they're made by the same people who work for the companies anyway.

So that's Shanghai, so far. Today there's not much to do because a huge portion of the city is closed off because of some conference. Apparently you're allowed there but they don't recommend it.