A resurrection

So now that I've completely alienated all my loyal readers by not posting for six months, I've decided to resume blogging. Possibly. Or possibly not. Or possibly, but a short-lived kind of "possibly." That said.

I know you've all been wondering, so to preempt the questions, A.M. and Gizmo are doing fine. Giz is currently sitting on my lap and apparently would like to type something, so I'll go ahead and turn this over to him now:
bgh csa
He's not so good at that. In fact the computer just made a lot of angry beeping sounds. Maybe Giz and the computer had a spat while I was at work.

To answer your next question, No, I haven't received any new pictures of Fiver. But you'll be the first to see them when they arrive (OK, the second to see them, because I have to see them first. And then if there's someone else in the room when they come they'll certainly have to see them immediately as well. So if I receive said pictures while at work, well, you'll probably just have to settle for being one of the first hundred to see them, but I digress).

And finally, me. I'm doing the same thing(s) I was doing before I stopped posting, with absolutely nothing new or exciting. Hence the lack of posts. Living in Edison, N.J., covering three towns for the local paper, writing a lot of horribly written articles, eating a lot of ice cream (sometimes with hot fudge, whipped cream, maraschino cherries and rainbow sprinkles that come out of a little clown head that says, "Mr. Sprinkles" on it), and generally just plugging along.

So that's it. The scoop, the skinny, and everything in-between. Now to see who's still checking this thing...

Oh, no, no -- I was talking to the ticket machine

Last night I was pulling into a parking structure I'd used once before, and I realized that last time I'd very adamantly flicked off the car behind me for no reason at all.

The first time I drove into that parking structure, I pushed the little button and just as the ticket came out of the slot and I was about to retrieve it, the car behind me honked. This made me very annoyed, and frankly, angry, so I flicked him off. Then I realized it was dark and he might not have seen my basic, inside-the-car finger, so I stuck my arm out the open window and flicked him off some more.

Last night when I drove into that parking structure, I pushed the little button and just as the ticket came out of the slot and I was about to retrieve it, the car behind me honked. Only there was no car behind me.

And that's when I realized the ticket machine makes a little honking sound as it dispenses the ticket.

And that's when I began to feel a little bit like a bitch.

Maybe *I'll* buy gooooooooogle

Do you realize that on top of buying everything else on the Web, Google also owns www.gogle.com, www.gogole.com and www.gooogle.com? Yup.

A tribute

As I noted before, Slate has had some of the best political stuff during the elections. Here's Slate's tribute to Rumsfeld, and if you don't want to click on the link, here are some of my favorite parts:

(The poetry of Donald Rumsfeld... taken directly from press conference transcripts)

Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the—
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it. It's—

And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it, But—
Some of you are probably too young to remember those—
Those glass boxes,
But—

But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.
—Dec. 6, 2001, Department of Defense news briefing

A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.
—May 16, 2001, interview with the New York Times

What's this 'competence' you speak of?

I was interviewing Linda Stender yesterday and we were talking about why she decided to run for Congress in the first place, and in the midst of a pretty standard rant about Bush, she said the following:

"The president has finally realized that he's got a problem on his hands, and that's long overdue. There's no accountability; there was no demand for -- competence."

I liked that. It didn't fit in the context of my story, but I liked it.

It seems to have happened...

But I'm still not completely convinced Bush, Rove, Rumsfeld, DeLay, Frist, Foley, Abramoff, Ney, Weldon, Sherwood, and for good measure, maybe Jesus, aren't going to jump out of their respective hiding places and yell, "SURPRISE!" because this last year has just been a big funny, and none of it really happened at all. Meaning come 2007, the GOP would still have control of Congress, Rummy would still have control of the military, and Hastert would still be third in line for the presidency.

Now that the results are in and the campaigns are over, I'll share with you some of my favorite moments:

• The National Republican Congressional Committee's ad about Michael Arcuri and the sex hotline. Click on the picture to the left to see it on YouTube. Personally, I'm impressed with the footage the NRCC found of Arturi lickin' his lips and making eyes at something in front of him. When Tim Russert asked NRCC chairman Tom Reynolds about it on Meet the Press last weekend, Reynolds' response was, "Politics isn't always fair."

• This graf from an article in Slate, which had some of the best writing throughout the entire campaign.

If there were an Oscar for political slime, it would go to "Twilight Zone," a spot run by Vernon Robinson, a congressional challenger in North Carolina. In 60 seconds, the ad manages to tie Democrat Brad Miller to Osama, gay marriage, "lesbians and feminists," activist judges, infanticide, flag-burning, racial quotas, space aliens, illegal immigrants, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. In another ad, Robinson stamps "XXX" across Miller's face, claiming that his opponent refused to support body armor for troops in Iraq but that he "pays for sex" and that he "spent your tax dollars to pay teenage girls to watch pornographic movies with probes connected to their genitalia."

• Today's first press conference in which Bush announced that Rumsfeld would step down. Specifically, the following quotes:
--->The question was why did Bush say he intended to keep Rumsfeld on as long as he was president. The answer was...

Hunt asked me the question one week before the campaign, and basically it was: You going to do something about Rumsfeld and the vice president? And my answer was, you know, they're going to stay on.
And the reason why is I didn't want to inject a major decision about this war in the final days of a campaign.
And so the only way to answer that question and to get you onto another question was to give you that answer.

In other words, you... outright lied?

--->During a long-winded answer to the same question:

Actually, I thought we were going to do fine yesterday. Shows what I know.

• Republican incumbent Richard Pombo losing to Democrat McNerney in California's 11th District, AKA Tracy, home to the reddest group of H2-driving, environment-killing elephants I've ever lived among.

• Jim Ryun, who I love and respect when he's wearing running shoes but want to strangle when any words come out of his mouth, losing his bid for a seventh (?) term in Kansas' 2nd District.

• Ferguson's Stender-is-a-spender-and-a-double-dipping-pension-padder campaign ads. Personally, I think he should have kept with the rhyme scheme throughout, though. Maybe, "Stender is a spender, a double-dipping pension bender, and a mean and slutty big rear-ender." Sure, it doesn't make sense, but who needs to make sense when it's Rhyme Time? It also would have given me something interesting to write about the race, which then might have allowed my article to run in full in this other paper and not get cut off in a place that makes it look like I never bothered to address the double-dipping pension padder's side of things.

• This photo to the left, of Ned Lamont at the polls.

• And finally, in the end the reason for the extent of the Dems' win was Foley. Voters in Utah voted against the Republican because a congressman in Florida has a thing for teenage boys. Democrats made huge gains and defeated Republicans, often by significant margins, throughout the country.

Meanwhile, in Foley's 16th District, the Democrat barely won. Tim Mahoney got 49 percent of the vote while 48 percent went to Republican Joe Negron's, who joined the race barely five weeks ago.

Best kitten ever update

Although I haven't received any direct inquiries, I'm assuming everyone's been wondering about how Fiver is doing. Thus, I will post below some pictures I just got from his new (or I guess not-so-new anymore) Mom. You may remember I gave him up a year ago this week.


At left, on top of a dog 20-times his size.

Below, on his new Mom's lap (she thinks his name is Jimmy, but it's Fiver).


At bottom/left (depending on your screen size), curled up with a fat cat, like A.M.

Now, let's be honest here: the cutest kitten on the face of the earth or the cutest kitten in the history of the world?

What I'm covering tomorrow:

A Pop Warner cheerleading competition and a chili cookoff.

1) I thought I got away from cheerleading when I got away from sports, as cheerleaders in Tracy always seemed to assume they belonged on the sports page.
2) I love that my work makes a difference in the world.
3) Anyone who wants to swing by and kill me before tomorrow, please do.

Stop bothering me

People are bothering me about posting on this thing more, which, well, is bothering me. So I'm posting on it more. Even though I have nothing to say. See what you've made me do? I've now written a boring and pointless post. That'll teach you.

I'm sorry, you'll have to call back after 6 p.m. today

What happens if there's a fire when all the area firefighters and fire engines are in a parade?

Wait, you're not a cat...

I was covering a small group of women who gathered to talk about politics and the upcoming midterm elections, and all of a sudden a small child came up to me ("that lady") and reached her arms up in pick-me-up fashion. I told her I didn't think that was such a good idea, but all the ladies around the table assured me it was a fantastic idea. I'd run out of arguments.

Here the child sits in my lap, and I look at the photographer with a what-the-hell-is-going-on-here smile. He perceives it as a boy-do-I-love-when-small-children-sit-on-me smile, and continues snapping pictures. He gives me the picture the next day.

Now. If you'll be so kind to notice, the kid, in her infinite wisdom, actually had no interest in "that lady" at all. There are candies on the table in front of me. She is eyeing them very closely.

A few minutes later she asks me, "Can I have a candy?" Before I can answer that maybe she should ask her mother, she nods to herself an emphatic 'yes' and reaches forward to take the candy.

Breaking News: Erica is correct

In the past, my Southern friends (OK, so Brian, and sometimes Eric) have criticized me for referring to what they call "toboggins" as "beanies." For all the non-Southern people out there, I should mention they pronounce it TOE-boggin.

With respect, I would like to note that the United States Supreme Court happens to agree with *me*.

In an oral argument yesterday about the constitutionality of a victim's family wearing photo buttons during a murder trial, none other than Justice Antonin Scalia addressed the issue of "beany hats."

You don't allow people to come into most courtrooms in tank shirts, and we
don't allow people to, you know, to wear beany hats. Everything that is
inappropriate for a courtroom is not necessarily inappropriate because it would
prejudice the trial; isn't that right?

Now, I'm no law expert or anything, but I'm *pretty* sure this means I'm right and you're wrong.

Phone on fire

Today I plugged in my phone, which had been sitting in a box for about eight months while I was in Europe, China, Va., etc., and I'm 99 percent sure that if I hadn't unplugged it when I did, it would have blown up. Daniel says it's just dust that gathered on the phone, and that I should just get one of those dust-blowing things and clean it off. But the idea of plugging it back in still scares me. Ideas? Do you, as loyal readers, agree with Daniel's lack of concern and think I should clean it off and plug it in? Disagree and think I should toss the phone? Agree but want to see me blow myself up? What's the verdict?

Delaying the torture

I'm sitting on Brian's couch in North Carolina right now, putting off the inevitable: locking the cats in their carriers, loading them into the car and driving the 11 hours back up to New Jersey. This procrastination is not a very good idea, because the longer I wait the later I'll get back, and the more likely I am to run into huge amounts of traffic in D.C. But here I am, posting on my blog for the first time in weeks instead of driving.

But I don't wanna.

I already drove down here from Jersey, but at least on the way down I got to stop and spend the night inVa. so it wasn't a straight shot. I also didn't have two miserable cats in the car with me, which generally strangles the fun out of just about everything -- and certainly strangles the fun out of something that didn't have much fun in it to begin with.

And I'm just getting my cats to love me again. They've essentially forgotten who I am (the only time Giz comes when I call now is when I have a comb in my hand, and that's just because he's a combing hoar. So if I trap them in little crates for 11 hours, they're going to be sad and annoyed and just generally dislike me even more.

Also, Gizmo is very cute, lying there happily on the chair, with no idea that he's about to face miserable-ness. Blast.

Maybe they mean Utah Highway Mileage

When gas mileage estimates say "highway mileage," they *so* aren't talking about New Jersey highways. Gas mileage here bites.

Ethics and baked goods

I'm still confused about how it came to be that I wrote this story. And I'm even more confused about how it ended up on the cover of the Metro section.
Conflict in Cookies?

Happy Birthday, or--

Today was my birthday, and I was very excited to walk into work and find a paper bag sitting on my desk. I wondered what it was. I assumed it must be cookies.

I was wrong.

It was an empty bag from someone's Chinese food. All that was left was a little baggie of those crunchy noodles.

And behind it was a plate of brownie crumbs.

Apparently there had been a party and my desk and I hadn't been invited.

My Hallmark moments

I'm not sure what's more pathetic:
1) That I spent my Friday night with a farting dog watching a made-for-TV movie on the Hallmark Channel; or 2) That I realized as the movie was ending that I'd already seen it.
Anyone?

In other news, here's my Clinton story. I'd like to inform from the outset that I had *nothing* to do with the lead. (Whereas the rest of the story is pure genius, of course).
http://www.thnt.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060908/NEWS01/609080474&SearchID=73256338015529

Now. Some Bill Clinton quotes I wasn't able to fit into the Clinton story that I was moderately amused by or interested in:
• On fear mongering: "If you're full of anxiety, it's hard to think."
• On acting unilaterally: "One of the reasons the world gets mad at us is they think we act allone whenever we can and only cooperate when everything's gone to the devil and we need 'em."
• On his term "Home Improvement," which he cites as the things the U.S. needs to do: "Hillary says I shouldn't use that phrase because it's a show on cable television."
• On the lack of universal healthcare (not that he had a better answer): We spend 16 percent of our income on healthcare, while no other country spends more than 11 percent. Only 84 percent of Americans have health insurance. No other rich country has less than 100 percent of its citizens insured.
• On bombing countries quickly to avoid appearing weak: "When we think about using violence, we ought to talk first. ... When they told me if you don't act today, you're going to seem weak, I would always ask one question: 'Can we bomb them tomorrow?'"
• When talking about his federation that raises money for healthcare and AIDS prevention and treatment in Rwanda, he referred to himself as a "bleeding heart cheapskate."
• On the current administration's approach to crime (i.e. cutting funding to hire more cops and letting the assault weapon ban lapse): "Having fewer cops and more guns in the hands of criminals is not a very good anti-crime strategy and I doubt it will work in the long run."
• On minimum wage (which, he raised only once in his administration, and that raise didn't even keep up with the rate of inflation): "We should raise the minimum wage immediately."
• On offsetting additional spending with budget cuts: "We've got to stop pretending that 2 and 2's not 4. It's still 4. The truth is all I did was bring arithmetic back to Washington."
• On tax cuts for the upper echelon: "We shouldn't be growing these huge deficits to fund tax cuts that I don't need. I think Bill Clinton should pay for our soldiers in Afghanistan."
• On saving energy: "I personally changed all the lightbulbs in my house to compact flourescent lightbulbs." (I'm picturing this as a team thing between him and Hillary)

So that's Clinton. It was a good time, even though the woman next to me seemed to think that it was an interactive event. She whooped, cheered and often called out, "THAT'S RIGHT!" But I had to put a stop to it when she *raised her hand* and screamed "I have something on that!"

I can't wrap my tiny little brain around this one, but maybe you can

I've already received two e-mails from people with this link, so I figured I'd nip it in the bud before more people send it to me.

http://www.slate.com/id/2148759/?GT1=8592

For those of you who don't want to click on a link, the gist is that a new study was released suggesting that perhaps short people generally get paid less because short people are generally dumber.

And as far as my friends are concerned, short people are apparently more violent, too, because the two e-mails I got with the link had the following subject lines:
• Don't throw the nearest thing on your desk
• Don't kill me please

Am I really that scary (and dumb)?

Masterpiecing

For those of you who haven't been keeping abreast of my whereabouts, I have been very diligently creating such masterpieces as this:

Dinner's on newspaper contest winnerHome News Tribune Online
09/2/06STAFF REPORT EAST BRUNSWICK — Stanley Pich isn't one of those people who
wins things. So when the 79-year-old East Brunswick resident was chosen
yesterday as the winner of the Home News Tribune's monthly Win A Grand contest,
he was more than a little surprised. "I was greatly surprised," said Pich, who
said he's been entering the contest ever since it began. "It was the best news I
heard in a long time." Pich, a retired postal supervisor who has lived in
Central Jersey his whole life, has been reading the 001 ? 0015.07paper and its
predecessors for "a good 50 years." The father of three and grandfather of four
said he'd use the money to take his family out. "I guess I'll take the entire
family and some friends out for a good dinner," Pich said. "I'll put it to good
use — that's for sure." Pich's entry was chosen from among about 60,000 entries
by Joseph Cavone, the newspaper's vice president for marketing.

It's like poetry, isn't it?

In other, and slightly (only slightly) more exciting news than Mr. Pich's winnings, I will be covering a speech by Bill Clinton at the State Theater in New Brunswick tonight.

Ultimately, the story's just going to be a boring recap of what was said and who was there, much like covering an elementary school performance. But still -- Bill Clinton.