Legend has it that an historical Central Jersey landmark is haunted by the spirits of its past, ranging from orphans to soldiers to Ben Franklin's son. (I'm going to leave off the name of said place in order to avoid offending any ghost/history buffs who might regularly Google the place.)
In any case my coworker Gene decided to do a story on the ghosts that apparently live there, so he invited a bunch of people from the newsroom to hang out there Saturday night, waiting for the ghosts to come out. We arrived at 10 p.m. and stayed until 2 a.m., trying to summon the ghosts. Now the clusterfuck of people who showed was strange enough -- we ranged in age from 25 to 60; editors to reporters to office managers to historians to friends of friends; people to dogs. (OK, so there was only one dog, but she had dreadlocks and there totally could have been more dogs hidden inside them) So about 30 of us were standing around with coffees, beers and subs, waiting for the ghosts to make themselves known.
But it got so much stranger.
The landmark has a house psychic named Jane. She's exactly what you would expect. Large. Bright red hair. Big blue, purple and black sequined shirt. And believes ghosts visit her by penetrating her belly.
She and the house historian took us on a tour, and she was telling us stories about ghost sightings in various rooms. Apparently each ghost has its "path," which it paces in a straight line constantly. For me, walking back and forth along the same path over and over would get boring after eternity or so, but Jane said they do, so it must be true.
How does she know each ghost's path, you might ask?
Her stomach expands when she's walking the path.
Obviously.
She ambled through the house and made everyone watch her stomach expand and shrink as she paced the paths in each room. She even had people two-step with her across the room, holding her stomach as it protruded because she was "walking in the ghost's path." Gene tried to volunteer me to hold her stomach, but I politely declined. (in fact, I think she saw me later trying to make other people feel *my* stomach as I pushed it out and back in *There must be a ghost inside me!* and she was not my biggest fan)
Apparently one way you know a ghost is in the room is by smell. They know horse-ghosts hang out in one room because it smells like horse manure sometimes (and it's just not possible that someone keeps farting). In fact the closest anyone got to a ghost sighting Saturday night was a strong body odor stench in one of the rooms. I mean, I guess it's true that people in the 18th century weren't big on the deodorant.
In any case my editor Lois brought along a Parker Brothers Ouija board, and Jane informed us this is a very dangerous tool but that she'd teach us to use it at our own risk. (Good thing we didn't bring the Monopoly) First, Gene and Lois sat down with the wedgie board and a candle, and, as instructed, asked if there were any "spirits from the light." There weren't. The little Ouija-board-window-thingie sat still in the middle of the board for a good five minutes while they tried to badger the spirits from the light to come communicate.
So Jane told Gene he was doing it wrong and took his place. And just then -- shock and awe -- the spirit came! Its name was Vewstom Ct but Jane conveniently ignored the Vews and Ct part and decided we were talking to Tom. Tom gave us some lottery numbers to play and then said bye. If you're interested, I believe they were 7, 4, 54 or 45 (apparently Tom is dyslexic), 30 and 10. I think.
Then it was time for the seance, in which we all sat in a circle and tried to summon spirits from the light. Apparently some dude named Dennis came and squeezed Gene's left kidney.
So that was the night, essentially. And just in case you're wondering, I'll bullet a list of things I learned from Jane:
• Having more than two alcoholic drinks creates holes in your aura and emits negative energy, allowing spirits from the dark to penetrate your aura and latch onto you.
• If you train yourself right, you can bring spirits into your belly and then release them out into the air.
• Ghosts turn over teacups. (so does Gene)
• Ghosts like to lock people in the bathroom.
• Ghosts from the 1700s know how to operate elevators. They like to turn them off when people are inside.
• Ghosts poke.
• Jane is allergic to wheat.
Incidentally I think Keith got video of Becky two-stepping across the room with the psychic -- I'll ask him about it and post it if I can.
*corrections appended*
3 comments:
Not sure how I forgot this tidbit -- a ghost once grabbed the psychic's ass. And she just didn't like that one bit.
First: I *was* going to indignantly point out that you failed to mention that the first person to two-step across the floor whilst grabbing a fat lady's stomach was *I*. Luckily, that tidbit did appear in the last paragraph. You *did* fail to mention that I volunteered myself specifically because you didn't politely decline when Gene volunteered you, you started squeeking and trying to hide your face so I jumped in. One might even say I sacrificed myself, they might.
Also: you got the numbers right, but we were actually visited by VEWSTOM from the light. Once we got to TOM, that's when Jane yelled out "TOM! His name is TOM!"
Additionally: It's Ouija Board. Wedgie board sounds like a board game about underpants uncomfortably wedged up people's asses.
That is all.
First: You do not know how to spell "squeak."
Also: I did not squeak. (nor did I squeek) I believe I said something to the effect of, "No. No. No. Seriously, Gene. No." But you make one good point -- maybe that's not tantamount to politely declining.
And: You're right. It *was* VEWSTOM. If it were MEWS I probably would have excitedly said, "CAT!" as I did for the CT.
Additionally: Touche.
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